It’s past midnight and officially Christmas Eve. I should be in bed but oh well.
Christmas is a struggle for me at present. Lots of food, lots of stress and nowhere to escape it’s leading me to binging (and occasionally purging, although less than usual). Which is, in turn, making me even more stressed because I’m terrified I;m not going to fit into my dress. I know I’m dissappointing my mum because she isn’t seeing everything else I’m eating, just the small ‘safe’ foods I’m having instead of proper lunches and teas. I feel horrible about it, but at the same time I’m freaking out. I hope after the day (tomorrow) everything will calm down and I won’t be as stressed. Hopefully I can get through Christmas day without a disaster and hopefully once things are settled I can see my boyfriend more. He’s a calming and settling influence on me and my eating :).
Talking of the boyfriend, today I nearly killed him. We were watching Hollyoaks and Hannah (triggering much?) because my sister wanted it on. After wards I asked why he was glaring at me the whole way though, stupid move. The conversation went:
Me: “Why were you glaring at me?”
Me: “You’re glaring at me because Hannah in Hollyoaks has an eating disorder?” (stupid move. stupid, stupid)
Him: “No. Because you have an eating disorder.”
Me: “… *glare*”
I don’t think my sister heard. I really hope to god that she didn’t. I don’t want to find out what might happen if she did.