Repeating Myself

Cross posted from another journal I have. Thankyou for the comments, I am going and I am going to try just… *shrugs* still struggling atm I guess.

Taking a break from revision and hijacking the computer while the boy is at lectures. I’m back down in Keele which is both a good and a bad thing. Good from a revision perspective in that I can’t constantly be distracted by the internet while he’s here and he will make me do work. Bad because he’ll distract me sometimes too. Food wise it’s a bit of the same, I have to eat when I’m with him, which is good & bad. But he’ll stop me binging or eating more than I’m happy with which is good.

Revision is boring though. I need to focus on Organic and a bit of Physical chemistry (manipulating formulae is not a strong point of mine) but with the organic especially because I find it so hard and so dull I get discouraged easily and find it hard to stick with. I think it’s my utter lack of confidence in myself/anything I do coming out again. I start struggling with something, so I get stressed out and upset so I struggle more and the situation escalates. It’s times like that I need to learn to take a breather instead of pushing through.

I’m still struggling with the idea of this appointment on Friday. I talked to the boy about it he tried to reassure me but I guess I won’t totally stop worrying until it’s over. Like exams really.
I say we talked like it all just happened calmly. What actually happened the first time around is I asked if I could come to Keele and just not go home, when he asked why I promptly burst into tears which had to be quickly dried up so we could run for the train.

We did talk calmly later when we were back in Keele, just before we went to bed (we hung about with his flatmates first which calmed me down considerably). I told him some of the things I was scared about, like being turned away and told I’m not ill or I’m a fraud, that I didn’t feel like I deserved the help I was being offered and that by recovering I’d get fat again (I was obese, even my boyfriend has said I was fat) or put on lots of weight. And that they’d tell my mum. He tried to make me feel better, promised that if I was honest with them they would see I was ill and help me. He made me promise to be totally honest, which I will struggle with a lot. I can’t be honest out loud. He told me that I wouldn’t get fat again or put on lots of weight, that’s not the point of recovery – it’s eating healthily. Which I know is true, I’m just scared the COE will come back.
He thinks it would be a good idea to tell my mum, that maybe telling her would make things easier because she might not try to feed me huge things or buy me lots of food when I say I don’t want it ect. Which is true if it goes that way. But I’m worried she’d just get worse for trying to feed me. Plus, I don’t want to worry her. She has enough to worry about with my grandma and grandad, and she’s not well herself. She had to go to hospital the Friday just been and they’ve told her she has very high blood pressure and a racing pulse and they don’t know why. They’e going to run more tests. But it terrifies me, and I don’t want to worry her more in case that makes her worse

I don’t know. There are other things I worry about too, things I didn’t tell the boy. I’m scared they’ll weigh me, the number will be bigger than it should even just from clothes ect, and I’m scared they’ll tell me how high my weight has gone. I’m scared that they’ll do something because of all the overdoses I have taken in the last few years. I don’t know the exact number, but it’s more than a couple. I’m scared it could affect me getting a job. All I want is a job and a house and a life with the boy, we were talking about our house if we won the lottery (euromillions! ) and that’s why I’m giving this a shot. I’m doing this mostly for him, so I can be healthy for him, to make him happy. He said I should show them my scars, arms and belly. Not showing my legs. The belly would be a struggle though. It repulses me.

Ironically the chance of getting help is making me mentally worse. I’m eating, choking food down sometimes, because I’m with the boy and he is making sure that I do eat. Which is a mindfuck in itself because I’m scared I’m gaining weight before this appointment when I’m away from my scales and all I wanted to do was lose. Every meal is a struggle, even safe foods are hard right now. I can pick something I feel is safe for tea on the morning shop but by teatime I regret it immensely and really struggle when there is no reason to. I don’t tell the boy I’m struggling because then he will feel bad because he helped me pick the food and he’ll think it’s his fault when it isn’t, my head is just in a bad place right now. Hell, I’m even struggling to drink. Well non-alcoholic fluids mostly, although I freaked out over cocktails which is reasonable as they’re calorie packed but not something I have ever done before in my life (especially ones w/non fruit juice mixers). I haven’t had a drink yet all day, I’ll be getting some water from my food but this is so bad for me. Normally I’ll aim to drink 2L or more of water a day, usually within an afternoon, but right now I’m too scared because I feel like it’ll make me bloat and balloon and gain hundreds of pounds. idk, it makes no sense, but I guess that’s the point.
My eye is a lot better now, most of the blood is gone. It’s probably a good thing, but I’m kind of sad because I felt if my eye was still explody I could have something to show, some proof that I was struggling when I go.

I guess after what’s happened I just stop complaining and just suck it up. I should be thilled I have a chance at something like this, I am honestly, I was beginning to lose hope they’d ever get my referral through. But at the same time I’m scared and I need to vent. I really hope I don’t upset or annoy anyone, I know this is all trivial in the grand scheme of things. I’m sorry

hah, all this stressing and I’ll get there and it will just all be about my blood test results
That would be the story of my life.

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3 responses to “Repeating Myself

  1. I know the feeling of not wanting to worry or stress family members but in the long term it’s not doing you any favours to internalize all of this. The root of all of your problems, not just eating related ones, is your intense anxiety and lack of self-belief (as well as an element of genetics / biology). This is a crippling illness you’re dealing with and I’d imagine your Mum already knows that something is wrong, just not exactly what.

    Please listen to that wise boy of yours and not the destructive voice of your disorder.

    *hugs*

    ~Jess~

  2. themilkfreeway

    Everything you are thinking and feeling about this appointment is common – it’s what most people feel, regardless of how high or low their weight is. All you can do is be honest. If that’s too hard to do out loud, write it down. I really advise making a list of things you want to cover actually, because these things are always daunting and I always forget what I wanted to say!

    Your boy sounds really supportive and sensible. I know how you feel about the scars, my arms, legs and stomach are covered and I am still slightly ashamed of them. Shame only increases with secrecy though – I’ve had a few bad reactions, but most people either say nothing or are nice about it and talk about their own mental health histories. You’d probably be surprised how understanding people can be, and your boyfriend is a great place to start 🙂

  3. …its wonderful you are willing to seek treatment …i think how you feel about not being tiny enough for help, well, is not uncommon, even for those who are already underweight…better now then when everything gets even more out of hand.

    about worrying your family, i’m sorry yr mum has so much on her shoulder. yea i suppose its also normal to not want to bother yr family…mayb this can be a great motivation to get well!

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