The Appointment


“The appointment was less terrifying than I thought. The guy was from the mental health team and he seemed really nice. It was just assessment stuff today, I told him about my past and present and he took a lot of notes. He said I have moderate depression, which I don’t believe, I think it’s just that I’m so fat and that makes my life suck. He seemed to focus on my purging, more than my not eating much. Well, I eat too much, but not by government standards. I don’t purge that much though. Maybe it was because I was puffy and bloodshot ect from purging last night. I think it was because he didn’t believe me. I tried to tell him I struggle with more than 500 calories most days and only puke or take laxatives if I’ve eaten too much like when I snap or have to go out for a meal. But I also mentioned that I don’t (generally) purge at someone else’s house or a resturant, that I’d rather just take laxatives or purge when I come home. He brought up excercising and I told him I didn’t really excercise lots, but I do have to be active and I don’t like to just sit around when I’ve eaten or will be eating. Then he asked why I don’t excercise a lot and I felt like a huge failure. Clearly no eating disorder if I don’t over excercise all the time. Then he brought up that I said I don’t eat much but I also said I drink and that alcohol is lots and lots of calories. I told him that I usually puke what I drink, but I don’t think he believes me.
I’m really triggered still. Obviously I’m a failure, I can’t have an eating disorder or anything. I drink calories. I can’t be ill doing that now can I?
I don’t want him to think my main issue is purging or that I’m bulimic. Not that there’s anything bad/wrong with that but I’m not, to call me bulimic would be an insult to bulimics who need help. I don’t purge that often, it isn’t my main issue, I b/p even less frequently. If I stopped purging and stopped binging I would still be hysterical over a sammich made of white bread, I’d still be terrified at a meal out, I’d still freak out when I ate more than 500 or so calories in a day, just I’d probably cut more. That’s what I need/want (half-heartedly) help with, it’s what my boyfriend wants me to get help with. If I could manage more food and bigger meals I probably wouldn’t need to b/p or purge in the first place.

I don’t know. He said he’ll refer me up to the eating disorder services and in the meantime I can have eight sessions with him and he wants to work on my self esteem. Which I think will help. I know Chris will be a lot happier if I like myself more, even if I’m still struggling foodwise I know he’ll like it more if I’m more confident with myself. Like wearing clothes that aren’t huge, and crying less over my appearance and actually getting naked without zoning out/being upset. After the 8 sessions though I guess it’ll be another x months of waiting, but maybe he will help me cope. I hope so.

Friday did not end well. My mum picked me up because my boyfriend wanted to come home to go to a friends birthday party so she picked him up from mine and drove us both back (why yes, I am rediculously spoilt and sheltered ). In the car on the way back he decided he was too tired to go, which was fair enough seeing as he’d only had four hours sleep or so in two days, but then my mum decided that we should go for a meal for my birthday (a week and a bit early). I didn’t want to, I said I didn’t want to, my sister decided because she was hungry we should go out and then when I said no that if we didn’t go out Friday we were going Saturday to which my mum agreed. I managed to get her to go home thinking I could eat and sleep and be okay, I was stupidly triggered and tired and hungry and upset and just wanted to have ham and sleep. Nope, my sister says “we’re going out aren’t we?” mum says yes and we have to go. Long story short(er) we went, I was very unhappy about the whole thing and nearly cried before we got there & when we were there. Being stupidly hungry I ate too much, started feeling bingey, thought I’d be able to purge, but Chris stayed and I couldn’t. I ended up sat in the toilet sobbing because all I wanted to do was uneat everything and I couldn’t. I think I scared Chris with that, he’s never seen me so upset over a meal. Crying a bit yes, but I was sobbing for a good thirty minutes. I think being so triggered in the first place didn’t help.

Today has been… blargh. I’ve felt fat and bloated and sick and disgusting all day. I was meant to go out shopping with my mum to get things for Chris for Valentines day (I’m ordering a year anniversary gift online, idk, too much?) and to get some things for me for my birthday but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be seen out of the house and there was no point clothes shopping when I felt so fat and disgusting.”

copied and pasted from another blog, but my feelings all the same.

As a side note, my exams were meh. I don’t *think* I’ve failed but I highly doubt I’ve done anywhere near as well as I’d like to. But all I need is 40% to get onto next year and if I’ve done that I’ll be okay. I’ll be dissappointed and probably beat myself up over it but I won’t be as devastated as I would be if I failed. They’re over now and I have a few weeks until I need to start revising again, lectures restart next week. Labs I’m not exactly excited about, but some of the inorganic and physical chemistry should be interesting.

Katie x

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7 responses to “The Appointment

  1. Hey, it’s a huge step that you went ahead with the appointment and I’m sorry that things didn’t feel like they went the best. I had the same deal with the not exercising too. I’ve never really over exercised and I always found therapists harping on this. It’s so frustrating that even mental health professionals can have this stereotypical idea of people with anorexia–that they must overexercise, that they don’t drink calories, that they never purge. None of that is true of course, and you shouldn’t be afraid to be honest. ***hugs***

  2. themilkfreeway

    I agree with Jessie – EDNOS is the most common eating disorder, and actually it’s got a slightly higher mortality rate than anorexia or bulimia (Carrie Arnold wrote about this – http://ed-bites.blogspot.com/2009/10/think-ednos-isnt-serious-think-again.html), so it should always be taken seriously. But even people from the CMHT often don’t know a lot about eating disorders, so try not to worry about what that man thought, it’s the eating disorders services who matter. Hopefully the interim support will be helpful anyway ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. pls don’t feel that u r not “worthy” of an ed b/c u feel that u r too fat,not exercising, drink calories…from what u have written about becoming mentally stressed out by consuming 500cals or more a day clearly shows that yes, u defo need some help!!!…i mean, we need minimum of 1200cals a day, and this is without any activity.

    i hope you feel better, and you are not disgusting. thank you for sharing how u truly feel and HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance!!!…

  4. themilkfreeway

    ^ Just to qualify, the minimum of 1200kcals is if you were short, weighed about the same as a dandelion and did nothing but lie in bed all day ๐Ÿ˜‰ ok maybe I exaggerate, but the average woman needs 2000kcals a day and those in their late teens/early twenties usually need more. I maintain my weight on 2200-2400 and I’m not hugely active. Just so you don’t go getting any ideas!

  5. I’m so sorry that this ‘professional’ reinforced your idea that you’re somehow unworthy of help or don’t have a ‘proper’ eating disorder just because you don’t tick all of the boxes marked as diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulemia. Actually there are plenty of anorexics who ‘save’ their calories for drink. There are two at my Uni, on the same postgrad course as me. They exist on a little MORE than you do and then drink huge amounts when they go out/at week-ends.

    500 calories is very, very dangerous to exist on for any length of time. I never went that low even in my worst periods of restriction and I think you’re still not seeing just how severe this disorder really is.

    At least something good came out of it: you realise that you need to love yourself more. If there’s one thing that could benefit you immensely, it’s that.

    *hugs*

    ~Jess~

  6. Gah, this is why I hate labels. Just because you don’t stick to a certain textbook criteria doesn’t mean your situation is dire, Katie. I hope that idiotic person doesn’t make you give up on yourself, and to think that you need to aggravate things in order to feel “worthy” to recover.

    You yourself know how you feel. Are you happy? Are you free? If not, that means something HAS to change, doesn’t it?

  7. hey!
    i just came across your blog and i can’t wait to keep reading!
    i would love it if you could check out mine and follow ๐Ÿ™‚
    jenna

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