Rut

I appear to be stuck. I am (not so) suddenly incapable of eating breakfast… this has been going on for a while now and it’s causing all kinds of knock on problems. I’m struggling with getting to late morning lectures because I’m hungry and exhausted and blargh and it’s making labs even harder because as well as being not particularly enthusiastic or happy to be there, I’m hungry and lacking energy. I did try to have breakfast a few times, the breakfast itself was alright, the after-effects not so much. I felt like I’d binged and eaten way too much, which isn’t fact but the emotion was overwhelming, this either lead to me struggling to eat later in the day or just flat out binging. Neither are good. I know there’s a way to work around this but I’m not sure how, I guess I’ll probably just have to do it with a meal plan of sorts and just fight through the emotions. I just don’t want to 😦

In the same vein I keep getting into food ruts. It’s totally disordered but honestly boring. A few weeks ago it was just protein based food, lots of just cold deli meat out of the packet. More recently it was yogurt, and a couple of days of yogurt with fruit. The theme of this week appears to be sandwiches. Don’t get me wrong, sandwiches is a good thing. I went on a low-carb spazz and only recently got carbs back in my diet, now I seem to be overloading… four slices of bread a day can’t be good for me. Wonder what the theme of the week next week will be, maybe I’ll cycle *sigh*. I really need to try and mix it up. It’s just the foods I can prepare (kitchen issues still going strong) and the foods I feel ‘safe’ eating are so limited, even when Chris is here we have the same sorts of things over and over (burger patties, chicken grills, fish pie, fish fingers…). I really really hope my referral is going through.

On side notes:
1. I drink waaaay too much squash. I’ve had like 4-5litre bottles of water (refilled two bottles frequently lol) and about a litre of squash today. It’s a really good thing I do get sugar-free/no-added-sugar/low calorie stuff when I’m having that amount!
2. Did I ever mention that I have a house for next year? If I did sorry for bringing it up again, I’m glad it’s sorted though.
3. Possible bragging ahead… you have been warned.

I got my exam results yesterday:
Introductory Chemistry (main Chem module): 59%.
Quantatative Chemistry (basically GCSE and basic A-Level maths): 84% – I should have done better there, I did the maths A level for chrissakes and got a B. Plus it was multiple choice. *facepalm*
Physics (<3): 61% – I wish I’d done better, but I’m really happy with my mark because it was hard.
Synthesis Labs: 45%
Measurements Labs: 69%
(Labs are ongoing, guess which I like better though? 😉 )
Overall Average: 64% which is a 2:1

I don’t know how to feel. I knew if I’d done brilliantly (over 75-80%) I’d be happy with myself and maybe have more confidence in what I’m doing. If I’d done terribly I’d drop out and start again somewhere less research oriented and more student orientated – somewhere with a higher than 73% student satisfaction (we’re pretty far down the table) and with less lab hours, or at least less consecutive lab hours. I’d probably change degree course to something more physics/physical chemistry based. I like maffs 8) just don’t have a good enough set of grades or understanding to do well on a maths degree.
As it is I’m stuck in limbo, I don’t fully enjoy my course and i know it will get harder and I’ll struggle more. I doubt I put enough effort in as it is, I just don’t have my heart in it. We’re supposed to do 100hrs personal study on top of lectures for each of our modules, this semester that adds up to around 600-700 hours. Gives me about 10hrs of free time a day, if I don’t use any of my weekend (Saturday & Sunday) for university work.

I feel sick. My stomach has been iffy recently to be honest, I don’t know whether it’s something I’m eating (slight dairy intolerance?) or drinking (although it’s been three days since I last had alcohol, which usually does it for me). Also I gave up chocolate and sweets for lent (Chocolate does not cover hot chocolate because tbh I doubt options contains any real cocoa mass, and sweets doesn’t cover toffee ;). I have both rarely anyway, so it’s not a huge overlooking but I suck really). I made the mistake of googling “giving up chocolate for lent” and faced a lot of blog posts with a lot of venom over that, saying it’s a stupid idea and we should give up something proper like meat or dairy. I feel bad now, like I’m not doing lent well enough, but I didn’t want to restrict my already restricted diet any more and well, sweets and chocolate are some of my fre regular indulgences.

Also, this post by Vanilla asked a really interesting question that I said I’d answer here instead of in comments because the list is so long. What foods do I “not like” because the ED won’t let me like them, but really I find them tasty…
1. White pasta and rice – this is more recent after my lowcarb sillyness, but yeah.
2. Potatoes – I love potatoes, but again with the carb thing. They scare me now.
3. Deep pan pizza – this is an iffy one, I do kind of like it a bit (mmm, dough) but I think I do genuinely prefer thin and crispy.
4. Chocolate Cake – never tell anyone about this… I am still adamant I won’t eat it with my family >.>
5. Supernoodles – calories 😦 The buggers are cheap too.

What’s sad is I’m sure I can think of more. Brain is currently fried, several nights of falling asleep late, waking up several times during the night then waking for good around 8-8:30 am (thanks cleaners this morning, I was finally getting good sleep!) has killed me.

Hopefully I’ll update again soonish. I’m going to try for once a month or so 🙂
Muchlove<3

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5 responses to “Rut

  1. Hi hun!

    I hope your stomach will feel better! And there’s no such things as ‘I should restrict this or that’ simply because a few blogs said so. Remember, they can be 10 year old girl who think they are smarter than everyone, or even a crazy asian teenage girl *lol*

    If you’re hungry, I suggest to have breakfast. If you want to binge or restrict after, try to talk to your bf or do something else, like a hot bath. There’s nothing worse than being hungry, irritable and scaring your classmates, lol. I know I’m like Shrek when I’m hungry.

    Thanks for the link on my post! What is Deep pan pizza? Is it the thick crust kind? I don’t know, lol. And what is supernoodles??? Ok I’m so not a ‘food blogger’, x)

    For your question: I found my fromage frais just near the cottage cheese and sour cream section 🙂

    xoxo

  2. Oh love…feel better soon..
    Ugh..ignore Lent nazis… Half them haven’t a clue what they’re on about.. I think people get a little too high and mighty about it and actually forget what Lent’s really all about..It isn’t really even necessarily about given anything up..
    I was a loser and did research this time before i decided what i was gonna do differently this time instead of giving stuff up per se..and i’ve found this time round to be alot more rewarding as a result..
    Whatever works for you love! Ignore everyone else..
    Breakfast is a HARD thing to work up to..It’s taken me almost a year to get into a routine with it and get over the emotional melt downs that used to come along with it…It gets easier though..
    I promise..
    Hang in there..
    x

  3. Jessica Zara

    Oh, this Lent crap really gets on my nerves. It’s pathetic: 90% of people are NOT doing it for religious reasons and it’s just another excuse to deprive oneself in the name of being ‘virtuous,’ just as New Year’s Day puts pressure on people to start diets. These sanctioned fasts or whatever are just reflections of social conformity gone mad and unless you’re ultra-religious then I wouldn’t apply any of the ‘rules’ to you anyway, particularly not with your ED. NO-ONE has the right to judge you even if you gave nothing up.

    Congratulations on your grades! I’m sure you’ll make the right decision with regard to your course.

    *hugs*

    ~Jess~

  4. I’m going to agree with the lovely Chilly 😉 ignore what everyone else is doing for Lent. Anyway, giving up dairy is easy because dairy free versions of anything and everything are easy to find these days – giving up chocolate is much more of a challenge! Also, on a random note, be careful of over-hydrating, it can be really dangerous.

    Well done for your exam results!! A 2:1 is great 🙂 I’m sorry it doesn’t give you a nudge as to what to do next though. You have time to change your mind about things – I’m 25 and have only just decided what I want to do as a career, and I’m not the oldest person I know to have done a 180, some of the women doing the OT degree I started studying for a few years back were in their 40s and 50s.

    Have a nice rest-of-week 🙂

  5. I really liked Vanilla (Elaine)’s post, too. I LOL-ed at it, and thought that every person recovering from ED should read it.
    Anyway…looks like ED is convincing you to eat more and more disorderedly, what from the protein to the yogurt…it just sounds a lot like how I was before, and I have to admit, I’m rather alarmed.

    Please Katie! Take care of yourself…You already detect ED’s voices. You KNOW, so catch yourself, and pull yourself out of that “rut” before you’re entirely mired in it. Allow yourself all the lovely foods you mentioned above! What’s te harm? It’s not like you’re gonna keel over and die.

    I sound harsh, but at the rate you’re going, you really need to buckle up, because ED is NOT to be compromised with.

    Please keep on the good fight, girl!

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