Category Archives: Struggles

Trying?

If actions spoke louder than words, you’d have made me deaf by now
You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am.

It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to let you go
It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to watch you go

So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)
So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)

It’s so crazy how it’d make my week just to hear them mention your name
Is it so hard to understand how you’ve got me right in the palm of your hand?

Your Way With Words Is Through Silence – A Day To Remember (click)

On Thursday (March 11th) I’m seeing them live with Chris as part of my Christmas present :p. I am so excited it is unreal! If I don’t come out of this gig with bruises I did something wrong though haha.

Anyhoo, aside from the occasional excitement in my life things have been up and down. I was doing alright this week for a while, not as awesome on the self care as I should have been and there were a couple of total freak out moments which were really bad but there were plenty of good moments too. I went to most of my lectures, which is good for me this semester (I’m pretty ashamed how much I’ve let myself slip) and I did all the notes and my lab report and coshh form so I’m up to date on my work for the most part minus notes from Friday. I’ve also been doing better with thoughts and stuff. When I gained a little on Thursday I managed to not freak out and still ate things, I even cooked fish in the kitchen. And I tried to have breakfast on Friday, ended up being brunch at 11 because I overslept but oh well. I still had lunch and eat just at later times.

The appointment went okay. I’m officially going to have my eating disorder services referral go through on Monday, he had to weigh me and measure my height to get my BMI first. I told him I was scared because I was wearing clothes and on my period and I knew it would be heavier than it should but he was really nice about it and let me get weighed backwards so I didn’t see what it was. So that’s that for now. And I am trying to do better with eating, pushing myself but not too hard and yeah, trying. But at the same time I have that little voice in my head saying that if I try and if I start doing a little better then they won’t see me any more because I won’t be ill any more. I know in my heart it’s not true but it makes things hard sometimes y’know?

Friday ended badly. I b/ped really late (11:30-12:00), not 100% sure why. I think being at home and up late did it, weird trigger but oh well. For some reason my tea came up then, that’s a good five-six hours later. It really freaked me out and made me really mad at myself because I was so determined to keep my tea down. I know I shouldn’t have purged at all but eurgh. I’m trying not to let it set me back though, having a small freak out about burgers because I had to get the non-light choice so my sister would eat it but I’m determined to make it through.

Trying to stay positive.

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Rut

I appear to be stuck. I am (not so) suddenly incapable of eating breakfast… this has been going on for a while now and it’s causing all kinds of knock on problems. I’m struggling with getting to late morning lectures because I’m hungry and exhausted and blargh and it’s making labs even harder because as well as being not particularly enthusiastic or happy to be there, I’m hungry and lacking energy. I did try to have breakfast a few times, the breakfast itself was alright, the after-effects not so much. I felt like I’d binged and eaten way too much, which isn’t fact but the emotion was overwhelming, this either lead to me struggling to eat later in the day or just flat out binging. Neither are good. I know there’s a way to work around this but I’m not sure how, I guess I’ll probably just have to do it with a meal plan of sorts and just fight through the emotions. I just don’t want to 😦

In the same vein I keep getting into food ruts. It’s totally disordered but honestly boring. A few weeks ago it was just protein based food, lots of just cold deli meat out of the packet. More recently it was yogurt, and a couple of days of yogurt with fruit. The theme of this week appears to be sandwiches. Don’t get me wrong, sandwiches is a good thing. I went on a low-carb spazz and only recently got carbs back in my diet, now I seem to be overloading… four slices of bread a day can’t be good for me. Wonder what the theme of the week next week will be, maybe I’ll cycle *sigh*. I really need to try and mix it up. It’s just the foods I can prepare (kitchen issues still going strong) and the foods I feel ‘safe’ eating are so limited, even when Chris is here we have the same sorts of things over and over (burger patties, chicken grills, fish pie, fish fingers…). I really really hope my referral is going through.

On side notes:
1. I drink waaaay too much squash. I’ve had like 4-5litre bottles of water (refilled two bottles frequently lol) and about a litre of squash today. It’s a really good thing I do get sugar-free/no-added-sugar/low calorie stuff when I’m having that amount!
2. Did I ever mention that I have a house for next year? If I did sorry for bringing it up again, I’m glad it’s sorted though.
3. Possible bragging ahead… you have been warned.

I got my exam results yesterday:
Introductory Chemistry (main Chem module): 59%.
Quantatative Chemistry (basically GCSE and basic A-Level maths): 84% – I should have done better there, I did the maths A level for chrissakes and got a B. Plus it was multiple choice. *facepalm*
Physics (<3): 61% – I wish I’d done better, but I’m really happy with my mark because it was hard.
Synthesis Labs: 45%
Measurements Labs: 69%
(Labs are ongoing, guess which I like better though? 😉 )
Overall Average: 64% which is a 2:1

I don’t know how to feel. I knew if I’d done brilliantly (over 75-80%) I’d be happy with myself and maybe have more confidence in what I’m doing. If I’d done terribly I’d drop out and start again somewhere less research oriented and more student orientated – somewhere with a higher than 73% student satisfaction (we’re pretty far down the table) and with less lab hours, or at least less consecutive lab hours. I’d probably change degree course to something more physics/physical chemistry based. I like maffs 8) just don’t have a good enough set of grades or understanding to do well on a maths degree.
As it is I’m stuck in limbo, I don’t fully enjoy my course and i know it will get harder and I’ll struggle more. I doubt I put enough effort in as it is, I just don’t have my heart in it. We’re supposed to do 100hrs personal study on top of lectures for each of our modules, this semester that adds up to around 600-700 hours. Gives me about 10hrs of free time a day, if I don’t use any of my weekend (Saturday & Sunday) for university work.

I feel sick. My stomach has been iffy recently to be honest, I don’t know whether it’s something I’m eating (slight dairy intolerance?) or drinking (although it’s been three days since I last had alcohol, which usually does it for me). Also I gave up chocolate and sweets for lent (Chocolate does not cover hot chocolate because tbh I doubt options contains any real cocoa mass, and sweets doesn’t cover toffee ;). I have both rarely anyway, so it’s not a huge overlooking but I suck really). I made the mistake of googling “giving up chocolate for lent” and faced a lot of blog posts with a lot of venom over that, saying it’s a stupid idea and we should give up something proper like meat or dairy. I feel bad now, like I’m not doing lent well enough, but I didn’t want to restrict my already restricted diet any more and well, sweets and chocolate are some of my fre regular indulgences.

Also, this post by Vanilla asked a really interesting question that I said I’d answer here instead of in comments because the list is so long. What foods do I “not like” because the ED won’t let me like them, but really I find them tasty…
1. White pasta and rice – this is more recent after my lowcarb sillyness, but yeah.
2. Potatoes – I love potatoes, but again with the carb thing. They scare me now.
3. Deep pan pizza – this is an iffy one, I do kind of like it a bit (mmm, dough) but I think I do genuinely prefer thin and crispy.
4. Chocolate Cake – never tell anyone about this… I am still adamant I won’t eat it with my family >.>
5. Supernoodles – calories 😦 The buggers are cheap too.

What’s sad is I’m sure I can think of more. Brain is currently fried, several nights of falling asleep late, waking up several times during the night then waking for good around 8-8:30 am (thanks cleaners this morning, I was finally getting good sleep!) has killed me.

Hopefully I’ll update again soonish. I’m going to try for once a month or so 🙂
Muchlove<3

The Appointment


“The appointment was less terrifying than I thought. The guy was from the mental health team and he seemed really nice. It was just assessment stuff today, I told him about my past and present and he took a lot of notes. He said I have moderate depression, which I don’t believe, I think it’s just that I’m so fat and that makes my life suck. He seemed to focus on my purging, more than my not eating much. Well, I eat too much, but not by government standards. I don’t purge that much though. Maybe it was because I was puffy and bloodshot ect from purging last night. I think it was because he didn’t believe me. I tried to tell him I struggle with more than 500 calories most days and only puke or take laxatives if I’ve eaten too much like when I snap or have to go out for a meal. But I also mentioned that I don’t (generally) purge at someone else’s house or a resturant, that I’d rather just take laxatives or purge when I come home. He brought up excercising and I told him I didn’t really excercise lots, but I do have to be active and I don’t like to just sit around when I’ve eaten or will be eating. Then he asked why I don’t excercise a lot and I felt like a huge failure. Clearly no eating disorder if I don’t over excercise all the time. Then he brought up that I said I don’t eat much but I also said I drink and that alcohol is lots and lots of calories. I told him that I usually puke what I drink, but I don’t think he believes me.
I’m really triggered still. Obviously I’m a failure, I can’t have an eating disorder or anything. I drink calories. I can’t be ill doing that now can I?
I don’t want him to think my main issue is purging or that I’m bulimic. Not that there’s anything bad/wrong with that but I’m not, to call me bulimic would be an insult to bulimics who need help. I don’t purge that often, it isn’t my main issue, I b/p even less frequently. If I stopped purging and stopped binging I would still be hysterical over a sammich made of white bread, I’d still be terrified at a meal out, I’d still freak out when I ate more than 500 or so calories in a day, just I’d probably cut more. That’s what I need/want (half-heartedly) help with, it’s what my boyfriend wants me to get help with. If I could manage more food and bigger meals I probably wouldn’t need to b/p or purge in the first place.

I don’t know. He said he’ll refer me up to the eating disorder services and in the meantime I can have eight sessions with him and he wants to work on my self esteem. Which I think will help. I know Chris will be a lot happier if I like myself more, even if I’m still struggling foodwise I know he’ll like it more if I’m more confident with myself. Like wearing clothes that aren’t huge, and crying less over my appearance and actually getting naked without zoning out/being upset. After the 8 sessions though I guess it’ll be another x months of waiting, but maybe he will help me cope. I hope so.

Friday did not end well. My mum picked me up because my boyfriend wanted to come home to go to a friends birthday party so she picked him up from mine and drove us both back (why yes, I am rediculously spoilt and sheltered ). In the car on the way back he decided he was too tired to go, which was fair enough seeing as he’d only had four hours sleep or so in two days, but then my mum decided that we should go for a meal for my birthday (a week and a bit early). I didn’t want to, I said I didn’t want to, my sister decided because she was hungry we should go out and then when I said no that if we didn’t go out Friday we were going Saturday to which my mum agreed. I managed to get her to go home thinking I could eat and sleep and be okay, I was stupidly triggered and tired and hungry and upset and just wanted to have ham and sleep. Nope, my sister says “we’re going out aren’t we?” mum says yes and we have to go. Long story short(er) we went, I was very unhappy about the whole thing and nearly cried before we got there & when we were there. Being stupidly hungry I ate too much, started feeling bingey, thought I’d be able to purge, but Chris stayed and I couldn’t. I ended up sat in the toilet sobbing because all I wanted to do was uneat everything and I couldn’t. I think I scared Chris with that, he’s never seen me so upset over a meal. Crying a bit yes, but I was sobbing for a good thirty minutes. I think being so triggered in the first place didn’t help.

Today has been… blargh. I’ve felt fat and bloated and sick and disgusting all day. I was meant to go out shopping with my mum to get things for Chris for Valentines day (I’m ordering a year anniversary gift online, idk, too much?) and to get some things for me for my birthday but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be seen out of the house and there was no point clothes shopping when I felt so fat and disgusting.”

copied and pasted from another blog, but my feelings all the same.

As a side note, my exams were meh. I don’t *think* I’ve failed but I highly doubt I’ve done anywhere near as well as I’d like to. But all I need is 40% to get onto next year and if I’ve done that I’ll be okay. I’ll be dissappointed and probably beat myself up over it but I won’t be as devastated as I would be if I failed. They’re over now and I have a few weeks until I need to start revising again, lectures restart next week. Labs I’m not exactly excited about, but some of the inorganic and physical chemistry should be interesting.

Katie x

Repeating Myself

Cross posted from another journal I have. Thankyou for the comments, I am going and I am going to try just… *shrugs* still struggling atm I guess.

Taking a break from revision and hijacking the computer while the boy is at lectures. I’m back down in Keele which is both a good and a bad thing. Good from a revision perspective in that I can’t constantly be distracted by the internet while he’s here and he will make me do work. Bad because he’ll distract me sometimes too. Food wise it’s a bit of the same, I have to eat when I’m with him, which is good & bad. But he’ll stop me binging or eating more than I’m happy with which is good.

Revision is boring though. I need to focus on Organic and a bit of Physical chemistry (manipulating formulae is not a strong point of mine) but with the organic especially because I find it so hard and so dull I get discouraged easily and find it hard to stick with. I think it’s my utter lack of confidence in myself/anything I do coming out again. I start struggling with something, so I get stressed out and upset so I struggle more and the situation escalates. It’s times like that I need to learn to take a breather instead of pushing through.

I’m still struggling with the idea of this appointment on Friday. I talked to the boy about it he tried to reassure me but I guess I won’t totally stop worrying until it’s over. Like exams really.
I say we talked like it all just happened calmly. What actually happened the first time around is I asked if I could come to Keele and just not go home, when he asked why I promptly burst into tears which had to be quickly dried up so we could run for the train.

We did talk calmly later when we were back in Keele, just before we went to bed (we hung about with his flatmates first which calmed me down considerably). I told him some of the things I was scared about, like being turned away and told I’m not ill or I’m a fraud, that I didn’t feel like I deserved the help I was being offered and that by recovering I’d get fat again (I was obese, even my boyfriend has said I was fat) or put on lots of weight. And that they’d tell my mum. He tried to make me feel better, promised that if I was honest with them they would see I was ill and help me. He made me promise to be totally honest, which I will struggle with a lot. I can’t be honest out loud. He told me that I wouldn’t get fat again or put on lots of weight, that’s not the point of recovery – it’s eating healthily. Which I know is true, I’m just scared the COE will come back.
He thinks it would be a good idea to tell my mum, that maybe telling her would make things easier because she might not try to feed me huge things or buy me lots of food when I say I don’t want it ect. Which is true if it goes that way. But I’m worried she’d just get worse for trying to feed me. Plus, I don’t want to worry her. She has enough to worry about with my grandma and grandad, and she’s not well herself. She had to go to hospital the Friday just been and they’ve told her she has very high blood pressure and a racing pulse and they don’t know why. They’e going to run more tests. But it terrifies me, and I don’t want to worry her more in case that makes her worse

I don’t know. There are other things I worry about too, things I didn’t tell the boy. I’m scared they’ll weigh me, the number will be bigger than it should even just from clothes ect, and I’m scared they’ll tell me how high my weight has gone. I’m scared that they’ll do something because of all the overdoses I have taken in the last few years. I don’t know the exact number, but it’s more than a couple. I’m scared it could affect me getting a job. All I want is a job and a house and a life with the boy, we were talking about our house if we won the lottery (euromillions! ) and that’s why I’m giving this a shot. I’m doing this mostly for him, so I can be healthy for him, to make him happy. He said I should show them my scars, arms and belly. Not showing my legs. The belly would be a struggle though. It repulses me.

Ironically the chance of getting help is making me mentally worse. I’m eating, choking food down sometimes, because I’m with the boy and he is making sure that I do eat. Which is a mindfuck in itself because I’m scared I’m gaining weight before this appointment when I’m away from my scales and all I wanted to do was lose. Every meal is a struggle, even safe foods are hard right now. I can pick something I feel is safe for tea on the morning shop but by teatime I regret it immensely and really struggle when there is no reason to. I don’t tell the boy I’m struggling because then he will feel bad because he helped me pick the food and he’ll think it’s his fault when it isn’t, my head is just in a bad place right now. Hell, I’m even struggling to drink. Well non-alcoholic fluids mostly, although I freaked out over cocktails which is reasonable as they’re calorie packed but not something I have ever done before in my life (especially ones w/non fruit juice mixers). I haven’t had a drink yet all day, I’ll be getting some water from my food but this is so bad for me. Normally I’ll aim to drink 2L or more of water a day, usually within an afternoon, but right now I’m too scared because I feel like it’ll make me bloat and balloon and gain hundreds of pounds. idk, it makes no sense, but I guess that’s the point.
My eye is a lot better now, most of the blood is gone. It’s probably a good thing, but I’m kind of sad because I felt if my eye was still explody I could have something to show, some proof that I was struggling when I go.

I guess after what’s happened I just stop complaining and just suck it up. I should be thilled I have a chance at something like this, I am honestly, I was beginning to lose hope they’d ever get my referral through. But at the same time I’m scared and I need to vent. I really hope I don’t upset or annoy anyone, I know this is all trivial in the grand scheme of things. I’m sorry

hah, all this stressing and I’ll get there and it will just all be about my blood test results
That would be the story of my life.

Bad Habits

Gingerbread Mouse. Stolen from http://epicute.com/ 🙂

Not posting for a month or more is getting to be a bad habit of mine.

To be fair, very little has changed since the 28th December. I’ve actually done some revision (my Astrophysics exam was yesterday, it went alright though I cocked up a few high mark questions) and I’m doing some more for Chemistry on the 29th. Eating has been less than stellar, but I guess that will change soon. I developed somewhat of a fear of carbs, a complete switcharoo from my previous fear of proteins. *facepalm*

A girl on one of the message boards I frequent died the other day 😦
I didn’t know her well personally, but I had seen her around and followed a lot of her posts. She was such a vibrant and lovely person, but everyone was watching her slide downhill rapidly after her last IP admission. It was horrible to watch and although the news is truly devastating I just hope that she is in a better place now and finally free from the hell of her eating disorder. It’s a horrible painful reminder of what this disease can do.

Which kind of brings me on to my next point.
My referral finally came through I think. Well unless they found something awful in my bloods after my last blood test (OD) and only just got around to telling me. My mum called me the other day to say that she’d recieved a letter from Penketh Clinic saying that my GP had made an appointment for me and this would be at 9:30 Friday 29th. It’s 45minutes so although I have an exam that day at 2pm, I’m going to have to go.
I feel really mixed about the whole thing, especially with recent events. I mean, I do not want to die (most of the time anyway) and my boyfriend tells me how worried he gets that I’m going to be really ill or die. But at the same time I am not that ill, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I know there are people who aren’t getting help and haven’t been offered help that are so much iller than me. People with a BMI of 9 who are throwing up chunks of their insides from purging hundreds of times a day aren’t getting help and yet I am. I feel so guilty over the whole thing, they need it more than me. I mean, I’ve put on weight since I was referred (stupid BC) and I don’t purge as much now I’ve left home (too scared of being caught at uni). I’m not on deaths door.
My place could go to someone who needs it more. Hell it should go to someone who needs it more. But at the same time subconsciously I think I want that help. I think that because I’m scared that I’ll turn up and they’ll just tell me that I’m perfectly fine and just being silly and I should eat more/not throw up/use laxatives. Or they’ll laugh at me and say I’m too fat to have a real eating disorder.

I don’t know. I’m so mixed up over the whole thing.
I guess I’m torn because of other things happening as well. I’m still slightly fuming from yesterday.
My boyfriend told me that when he ‘dumped’ me he wasn’t actually dumping me. Just trying to give me a kick up the backside. Considering the fact that I was a total emotional wreck before that and he was one of the few things keeping me attatched to the world, it was a pretty bad way of ‘kicking me up the ass’. I’d have rather he yelled or even hit me, because that nearly killed me. And since then I lived in fear of something something wrong that would make him dump me again. I am rediculously dependant one one peron right now, and I know it is stupid and I need to move forwards and get a grip but damnit I suck.

Big strong person I am ey?

Sorry, ranting a bit. I’m going to leave now before my head explodes, and do some revision.
Loves ❤

Edit: I have a formspring.me account!

<a href=”http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank&#8221; mce_href=”http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank”>http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank</a&gt;

or http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank if that doesn’t work.

Aftermath

Those freaky looking plants up there are Triffids 😀 Kind of fitting as I’m sat here watching the BBC remake of Day of the Triffids whilst I’m typing. I have to say it’s very good.

Christmas was… Christmas. I managed to not purge and ate more than I was 100% comfortable with so I didn’t restrict, but there was some unfortunate laxative usage. *cringe* Unpleasant to say the least.

Christmas at my Grandma’s is fairly samey year in – year out, although we made some slight changes this year in that my sister and I opened our presents at the same time as the adults (we usually open then first). I’m not going to list everything I got (I feel like a spoilt brat and hate myself because people spend money on me), just mention the main things. My family – the adults – got me a new phone (Samsung F400) and a George Foreman grill for next year when I have my own house. My little sister got me Michael Mackintyre and Jimmy Carr stand up DVDs and my boyfriend got me a caffiene molecule tee shirt and tickets for us both to see A Day To Remember. 😀

It’s strange, my sister loves receiving gifts from people. The more expensive and the more of them the better. I feel like shit if my mum gets me more than a card and a gift voucher. I hate people spending money on me, but I’d be more than happy to spend a fortune on others if I could. Blah. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad mentioning what I received, I can delete that whole paragraph. I just wanted to kind of, give thanks to my family. :\ Does that make sense?

The aftermath of Christmas has been less than pretty. I’ve been attempting to restrict, then unable to sleep and binging in the middle of the night because there’s so much food and I’m scared of it. Somewhere something in my mind says “it’s safer and better to just eat it all now, binge and purge and then it’s gone” and sometimes when I’m lonely and hungry and sad I don’t care to fight it. I know I should, I pretty much always manage to fight the purging (haven’t since before the 25th) but the binging… urgh. It’s making me feel so much worse than usual. Time seems to drag too. I feel like it’s been weeks since I updated, since I came home. It’s been only a few days. I hate it. I’m going crazy cooped up in the house, it’s hard to go out because the road and path are both totally solid ice still. I want to smoke, but being caught smoking or smelling of it by my mum is more trouble than it’s worth.

I need to start revising. I just don’t want to. It stresses me out and I have no way of finding out if my answers are right or wrong with no markscheme and no way of getting my answers to my tutor. Physics I am entirely on my own whether I could be in uni or not.

So much for a happy holiday 😦
Hope everyone else is doing better than I am

Katie x

Quick Christmas Update

It’s past midnight and officially Christmas Eve. I should be in bed but oh well.

Christmas is a struggle for me at present. Lots of food, lots of stress and nowhere to escape it’s leading me to binging (and occasionally purging, although less than usual). Which is, in turn, making me even more stressed because I’m terrified I;m not going to fit into my dress. I know I’m dissappointing my mum because she isn’t seeing everything else I’m eating, just the small ‘safe’ foods I’m having instead of proper lunches and teas. I feel horrible about it, but at the same time I’m freaking out. I hope after the day (tomorrow) everything will calm down and I won’t be as stressed. Hopefully I can get through Christmas day without a disaster and hopefully once things are settled I can see my boyfriend more. He’s a calming and settling influence on me and my eating :).

Talking of the boyfriend, today I nearly killed him. We were watching Hollyoaks and Hannah (triggering much?) because my sister wanted it on. After wards I asked why he was glaring at me the whole way though, stupid move. The conversation went:
Me: “Why were you glaring at me?”
Him: “Hannah.”
Me: “You’re glaring at me because Hannah in Hollyoaks has an eating disorder?” (stupid move. stupid, stupid)
Him: “No. Because you have an eating disorder.”
Me: “… *glare*”

I don’t think my sister heard. I really hope to god that she didn’t. I don’t want to find out what might happen if she did.

Katie x