Category Archives: Victories

I Cooked!

Very quick post, since the last there have been several downs in terms of mood but some big (to me) ups in terms of food.

1. I cooked. On my own. Granted I microwaved because I lack any real cooking equipment bar a saucepan, but I was in the kitchen, making food that kind of looks like it could pass as a real meal. Albeit a fairly low calorie one :\

Two cod loins and salad, one had Levi Roots Reggae Reggae BBQ sauce on it, the other had some lemon 🙂

Biiig picture, sorry. Ah well you can laugh at my photography :P. I was stupidly pleased with myself at cooking, it was a bit redicularse to be fair. Someone came into the kitchen as I was leaving and gave me a weird look because I was grinning at food. Haha, oh well. That was yesterday, not sure if/when I’ll manage to cook again but yeah, yay?

2. I’ve been having breakfast! The past two days I managed to make myself have breakfast and I haven’t binged or overly restricted to make up for it. It still feels really weird and I still feel like I’ve eaten too much by the end of the day but oh well.

I think atm I’m going to stick with just having breakfast and occasionally cooking something in the kitchen as my challenges. At least until I’m comfortable with them, ie not freaking out over how much I’ve eaten and using some (useless) safety nets. After that who knows, maybe I’ll be able to cut down weighing? Obsessive calorie counting and planning?

Also I tidied my room today, well kind of. There’s still a tonne of stuff under the bed I have no place for, but it made me feel better. I let my room get a mess and it makes me feel down but then I feel to crappy to do anything about it. But I did today, I’ve got a to-do list for the week. Did well with things yesterday, less well today but never mind. I’m going back to watching the Big Bang Theory ❤ 😉

Nerds & Physics ftw.

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Trying?

If actions spoke louder than words, you’d have made me deaf by now
You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am.

It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to let you go
It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to watch you go

So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)
So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)

It’s so crazy how it’d make my week just to hear them mention your name
Is it so hard to understand how you’ve got me right in the palm of your hand?

Your Way With Words Is Through Silence – A Day To Remember (click)

On Thursday (March 11th) I’m seeing them live with Chris as part of my Christmas present :p. I am so excited it is unreal! If I don’t come out of this gig with bruises I did something wrong though haha.

Anyhoo, aside from the occasional excitement in my life things have been up and down. I was doing alright this week for a while, not as awesome on the self care as I should have been and there were a couple of total freak out moments which were really bad but there were plenty of good moments too. I went to most of my lectures, which is good for me this semester (I’m pretty ashamed how much I’ve let myself slip) and I did all the notes and my lab report and coshh form so I’m up to date on my work for the most part minus notes from Friday. I’ve also been doing better with thoughts and stuff. When I gained a little on Thursday I managed to not freak out and still ate things, I even cooked fish in the kitchen. And I tried to have breakfast on Friday, ended up being brunch at 11 because I overslept but oh well. I still had lunch and eat just at later times.

The appointment went okay. I’m officially going to have my eating disorder services referral go through on Monday, he had to weigh me and measure my height to get my BMI first. I told him I was scared because I was wearing clothes and on my period and I knew it would be heavier than it should but he was really nice about it and let me get weighed backwards so I didn’t see what it was. So that’s that for now. And I am trying to do better with eating, pushing myself but not too hard and yeah, trying. But at the same time I have that little voice in my head saying that if I try and if I start doing a little better then they won’t see me any more because I won’t be ill any more. I know in my heart it’s not true but it makes things hard sometimes y’know?

Friday ended badly. I b/ped really late (11:30-12:00), not 100% sure why. I think being at home and up late did it, weird trigger but oh well. For some reason my tea came up then, that’s a good five-six hours later. It really freaked me out and made me really mad at myself because I was so determined to keep my tea down. I know I shouldn’t have purged at all but eurgh. I’m trying not to let it set me back though, having a small freak out about burgers because I had to get the non-light choice so my sister would eat it but I’m determined to make it through.

Trying to stay positive.

Rut

I appear to be stuck. I am (not so) suddenly incapable of eating breakfast… this has been going on for a while now and it’s causing all kinds of knock on problems. I’m struggling with getting to late morning lectures because I’m hungry and exhausted and blargh and it’s making labs even harder because as well as being not particularly enthusiastic or happy to be there, I’m hungry and lacking energy. I did try to have breakfast a few times, the breakfast itself was alright, the after-effects not so much. I felt like I’d binged and eaten way too much, which isn’t fact but the emotion was overwhelming, this either lead to me struggling to eat later in the day or just flat out binging. Neither are good. I know there’s a way to work around this but I’m not sure how, I guess I’ll probably just have to do it with a meal plan of sorts and just fight through the emotions. I just don’t want to 😦

In the same vein I keep getting into food ruts. It’s totally disordered but honestly boring. A few weeks ago it was just protein based food, lots of just cold deli meat out of the packet. More recently it was yogurt, and a couple of days of yogurt with fruit. The theme of this week appears to be sandwiches. Don’t get me wrong, sandwiches is a good thing. I went on a low-carb spazz and only recently got carbs back in my diet, now I seem to be overloading… four slices of bread a day can’t be good for me. Wonder what the theme of the week next week will be, maybe I’ll cycle *sigh*. I really need to try and mix it up. It’s just the foods I can prepare (kitchen issues still going strong) and the foods I feel ‘safe’ eating are so limited, even when Chris is here we have the same sorts of things over and over (burger patties, chicken grills, fish pie, fish fingers…). I really really hope my referral is going through.

On side notes:
1. I drink waaaay too much squash. I’ve had like 4-5litre bottles of water (refilled two bottles frequently lol) and about a litre of squash today. It’s a really good thing I do get sugar-free/no-added-sugar/low calorie stuff when I’m having that amount!
2. Did I ever mention that I have a house for next year? If I did sorry for bringing it up again, I’m glad it’s sorted though.
3. Possible bragging ahead… you have been warned.

I got my exam results yesterday:
Introductory Chemistry (main Chem module): 59%.
Quantatative Chemistry (basically GCSE and basic A-Level maths): 84% – I should have done better there, I did the maths A level for chrissakes and got a B. Plus it was multiple choice. *facepalm*
Physics (<3): 61% – I wish I’d done better, but I’m really happy with my mark because it was hard.
Synthesis Labs: 45%
Measurements Labs: 69%
(Labs are ongoing, guess which I like better though? 😉 )
Overall Average: 64% which is a 2:1

I don’t know how to feel. I knew if I’d done brilliantly (over 75-80%) I’d be happy with myself and maybe have more confidence in what I’m doing. If I’d done terribly I’d drop out and start again somewhere less research oriented and more student orientated – somewhere with a higher than 73% student satisfaction (we’re pretty far down the table) and with less lab hours, or at least less consecutive lab hours. I’d probably change degree course to something more physics/physical chemistry based. I like maffs 8) just don’t have a good enough set of grades or understanding to do well on a maths degree.
As it is I’m stuck in limbo, I don’t fully enjoy my course and i know it will get harder and I’ll struggle more. I doubt I put enough effort in as it is, I just don’t have my heart in it. We’re supposed to do 100hrs personal study on top of lectures for each of our modules, this semester that adds up to around 600-700 hours. Gives me about 10hrs of free time a day, if I don’t use any of my weekend (Saturday & Sunday) for university work.

I feel sick. My stomach has been iffy recently to be honest, I don’t know whether it’s something I’m eating (slight dairy intolerance?) or drinking (although it’s been three days since I last had alcohol, which usually does it for me). Also I gave up chocolate and sweets for lent (Chocolate does not cover hot chocolate because tbh I doubt options contains any real cocoa mass, and sweets doesn’t cover toffee ;). I have both rarely anyway, so it’s not a huge overlooking but I suck really). I made the mistake of googling “giving up chocolate for lent” and faced a lot of blog posts with a lot of venom over that, saying it’s a stupid idea and we should give up something proper like meat or dairy. I feel bad now, like I’m not doing lent well enough, but I didn’t want to restrict my already restricted diet any more and well, sweets and chocolate are some of my fre regular indulgences.

Also, this post by Vanilla asked a really interesting question that I said I’d answer here instead of in comments because the list is so long. What foods do I “not like” because the ED won’t let me like them, but really I find them tasty…
1. White pasta and rice – this is more recent after my lowcarb sillyness, but yeah.
2. Potatoes – I love potatoes, but again with the carb thing. They scare me now.
3. Deep pan pizza – this is an iffy one, I do kind of like it a bit (mmm, dough) but I think I do genuinely prefer thin and crispy.
4. Chocolate Cake – never tell anyone about this… I am still adamant I won’t eat it with my family >.>
5. Supernoodles – calories 😦 The buggers are cheap too.

What’s sad is I’m sure I can think of more. Brain is currently fried, several nights of falling asleep late, waking up several times during the night then waking for good around 8-8:30 am (thanks cleaners this morning, I was finally getting good sleep!) has killed me.

Hopefully I’ll update again soonish. I’m going to try for once a month or so 🙂
Muchlove<3

Aftermath

Those freaky looking plants up there are Triffids 😀 Kind of fitting as I’m sat here watching the BBC remake of Day of the Triffids whilst I’m typing. I have to say it’s very good.

Christmas was… Christmas. I managed to not purge and ate more than I was 100% comfortable with so I didn’t restrict, but there was some unfortunate laxative usage. *cringe* Unpleasant to say the least.

Christmas at my Grandma’s is fairly samey year in – year out, although we made some slight changes this year in that my sister and I opened our presents at the same time as the adults (we usually open then first). I’m not going to list everything I got (I feel like a spoilt brat and hate myself because people spend money on me), just mention the main things. My family – the adults – got me a new phone (Samsung F400) and a George Foreman grill for next year when I have my own house. My little sister got me Michael Mackintyre and Jimmy Carr stand up DVDs and my boyfriend got me a caffiene molecule tee shirt and tickets for us both to see A Day To Remember. 😀

It’s strange, my sister loves receiving gifts from people. The more expensive and the more of them the better. I feel like shit if my mum gets me more than a card and a gift voucher. I hate people spending money on me, but I’d be more than happy to spend a fortune on others if I could. Blah. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad mentioning what I received, I can delete that whole paragraph. I just wanted to kind of, give thanks to my family. :\ Does that make sense?

The aftermath of Christmas has been less than pretty. I’ve been attempting to restrict, then unable to sleep and binging in the middle of the night because there’s so much food and I’m scared of it. Somewhere something in my mind says “it’s safer and better to just eat it all now, binge and purge and then it’s gone” and sometimes when I’m lonely and hungry and sad I don’t care to fight it. I know I should, I pretty much always manage to fight the purging (haven’t since before the 25th) but the binging… urgh. It’s making me feel so much worse than usual. Time seems to drag too. I feel like it’s been weeks since I updated, since I came home. It’s been only a few days. I hate it. I’m going crazy cooped up in the house, it’s hard to go out because the road and path are both totally solid ice still. I want to smoke, but being caught smoking or smelling of it by my mum is more trouble than it’s worth.

I need to start revising. I just don’t want to. It stresses me out and I have no way of finding out if my answers are right or wrong with no markscheme and no way of getting my answers to my tutor. Physics I am entirely on my own whether I could be in uni or not.

So much for a happy holiday 😦
Hope everyone else is doing better than I am

Katie x

Weekdays and Bleakdays

Must. Post. More. Often.
heh.

I spent the weekend down at Keele university visiting the boything. I don’t know if anyone has ever been down there but it’s really nice. I didn’t think I’d like campus universitites (the bubble effect) but I’ve decided that acually I kind of do. I know I’d be a lot less scared going to the shop or the union on my own in the evening (especially now it gets dark so early) on a campus university. Maybe I’m a snob and that’s why, but I know my accomodation is quite near Moss Side (apologies if any of you come from there cause I’m about to make some major assumptions here) and a few other “troubled” areas of Manchester. That means a lot of crime, some scary looking people on the streets and generally a nervous Katie. I’m sure a lot of the population of these areas are lovely people, but I’ve had a sheltered upbringing and hearing about shootings, stabbings, muggings ect around this area fairly frequently kind of puts you off.

I do like Manchester (and other city unis) for it’s convienience though. I mean, I have a Tesco Express, Lidl and Superdrug down the road. Although Lidl scares me slightly because I can’t always gets nutritional information on their food and they start scanning the other person through before you’ve even finished packing your bags once you’ve paid. So I’m a bit of a supermarket snob and doing my shopping at Tesco Express (and I’ll do it at Asda once I figure out how the hell to get there). There’s also the academies, which are amazing for gigs and I love going there. We have really cheap student bars everywhere (£2.30 for a double vodka diet coke in my hall bar, it was £3.70 in my boyfriends hall bar!) andthree train stations within walking distance, though I mostly use Manchester Oxford Road and Manchester Picadilly. The town centre is also walking distance. While I’m sure you can walk to Newcastle-Under-Lyme from Keele and they do have a shop on campus, campus unis aren’t as convienient for that.

I had a really good weekend though. Foodwise it was a bit insane. I didn’t take anything with me obviously and the boything isn’t exactly stocked up on ED friendly foods. We had pizza… dominoes meateor, which was gross (and I’ve decided that I maybe didn’t become a vegetarian for the best reasons, so I’ve gone back on that descision a little, although I did picl 90% of the meat off) when is BBQ sauce on pizza a good idea. I only had a couple of slices before I felt really sick and by then ED was screaming at me. To my shame I drank to shut him up. Then the next day we went out with his dad, to wetherspoons, and I have a veggie burger and chips. Which was kind of a success, though I felt crappy the next day. I have been trying to eat slightly better while at uni, but the kitchen issue, stress and having two supermarkets down the road plus a convience store across the road and a greggs and other convience store around the corner have led to some pretty bad cycles of binge, restrict. I guess one bonus of sharing a bathroom is that the fear of being caught has stopped me purging as much as I would have at home or with an en suite.

I’m also considering changing my course. I always thought I really loved lab work… turns out what I loved about lab work in college was how informal and hilarious it was. That was down to both the teachers and the people. If we totally screwed something up or broke a buchner flask, then we laughed and the teacher didn’t care. I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but if it was an experiement that mattered and we got it horribly wrong, the teachers would just tell us to fix up our answers a bit. Even doing coursework we all talked and had a laugh, and if something went wrong someone yelled ‘FUCKING HELL!’ across the classroom and when the teacher came in she laughed at us. We ate in the lab (bad people, dangerous I know) and we had a laugh. In uni it’s very “stop making s much noise, concentrate, if this goes wrong we’ll string you up by the (metaphorical) balls and make you do it again plus you’ll lose marks” whick kinda sucks. I do very much enjoy the physical & inorganic sides to chemistry, things like kinetics, the structure of atoms (though imo that’s more physics) and metallic complexes. That interests me. It’s also only a small part of the course. I have been loving my physics lectures though, but I need to talk to someone fast to say that I’m unhappy if I wish to transfer this year and not be held back.

Has anyone ever changed course by the way? Or changed uni? If you could give me advice or anecdotes that would be awesome 🙂  (I think that was the correct use of anecdotes, I was never brilliant at english).

Also, now I’ve finally gotten around to it, the lovely Jessica gave me this award:

Kreativ Blogger Award!

Kreativ Blogger Award!

Which is the first ever award I’ve ever recieved! 😮
So first… 7 facts about me:

1. I am currently obsessed with cardigans, over summer and spring I wore them almost non-stop. However, in Manchester it’s that cold that I’m currently living in a jumper and my MCR hoodie (much warmer than any of my cardies) and still freezing my ass off.

2. Apparently I talk strangely. No one (even in Warrington) will believe I’m from Warrington becaise I “sound posh”. Considering half my family is from Yorkshire and those are the people I see the most this is strange. I stress the ‘oh’ in no and the ‘ah’ in bath/castle/garage, yet I still say “I’m goin’ t’loo”. =p One day I will record my voice and you can laugh.

3. I have a strange fear of proteins (mostly meats). Most ED’d people are scared of carbs, I’ll eat a tonne of bred but show me a steak and I’ll run a mile. At present the proteins I can handle are: baked beans, wafer thin ham, veggie protein, milk (in coffee/tea) and eggs.

4. I am a caffiene addict. I drink several cups of coffee and tea a day. It’s very bad for me and I think it’s turning my teeth yellow.

5. When someone tried to scare me about my accomodation saying we often got mice, my only reply was “oh cool, I’ll buy a cage and keep it. Can’t be a pet if it’s already there!”. Spiders on the other hand, freak me the hell out.

6. I like accents yet I can hardly understand what people with a strong accent say. I’m sure this makes me come across as some sort of racist because if someone forgeign is talking to me I often struggle to understand what they say, part of it is down to a hearing problem I have anyway, and part of it is just me being dense. At the same time I love to listen to welsh and irish accents, even if I don’t know what they’re saying.

7. I’m a huge geek. I love numbers, 7 is my favourite, I also like palindromic numbers and sequences like 1234, 2468 ect. When I was looking through the course content for the boything’s course the phrase “ooooh, quantum mechanics” actually left my mouth without me realising it! At the same time, I can’t do times tables. I’ve mastered 2, 4 (ish), 5, 9 (ish) and 10. That is the extend of my skills… ><

Now to tag 7 people. I think the people I would tag have all already been tagged. And I’ll have to run if I want to get to my lecture on time, so I’ll come back and do this later. 🙂

Adios Kids!

Katie x

Weekends

Friday was possibly the most successful day foodwise I have ever had. Okay so breakfast was low calorie (end pieces of a loaf of WeightWatchers Brown Bread… or airbread. Seriously, the end pieces are the only vaguely filling bits of it!) but the rest of the day went so well. First I agreed to go out to a meal, my mum was so happy it was odd. As you can imagine I’m not the ‘yeah, let’s go out. I’ll find the resturaunt!’ person. Granted I only agreed because I was allowed to pick the resturaunt, and I spent all morning looking at menus. But I did send my mum three places, two of which I’ve never been before, to pick between. She chose the Green Dragon in Lymm (this place) which I have never been to before, but more on that later.
Then at lunch, even though I brought Snack-a-Jacks and an apple to have, I bought a salad from Sainsbury’s again (I really need to stop getting spicy chickpeas, they’re too hot for me. But they didn’t have any couscous & tuna sweetcorn pasta with creamy sauce is too far) and a cupcake to have! I should have brought my camera! You know that cute cupcake I said my mum had last week? Well I got one and it’s adoreable but I forgot my camera 😦 I had my apple anyway because a girl needs her fruit fix 🙂 The cupcake was really nice actually. The frosting was a bit sweet for me and not as lemony as I’d have liked (that being said I like my lemony things tasting like the actual lemon XD) but the cake was wonderful! Light and airy and moist. I, being the cupcake conneseiur I clearly am, would definitley reccomend you try one if you’re in sainsbury’s with a sweet tooth 😉

Sadly the meal out didn’t happen Friday. 😦 After I spent hours on end picking places and everything!
The boy was out to a friends meal and he couldn’t make it, when I told my mum she decided we should go to the meal Saturday. That kind of shook me up because then I had no idea what to do for tea and we hadn’t bought anything at shopping. Blah. In the end I went for ww pasta with tomatoes, quorn and cheese. It was really nice 🙂 And afterwards I went to my grandma’s to tell her about my results and I had a slice of carrot and orange cake, which was really nice and tasty and I had it because I wanted it 🙂

So the night wasn’t great. Blah. I was up till 4:30 am looking up university stuff, sorting out accomodation and downloading audiobooks and I kept eating (ick). I then woke up the next morning at 7:30, with three hours sleep behind me and 2lbs heavier than the day before. I know most of that was just lack of sleep and the fact I’d eaten only a couple of hours earlier. But still, y’know when you’re tired you can get irritable and easily upset? (Well I do anyway) ED took that and ran with it. My stomach was a little bloated anyway but that kept growing in my head and I felt so yuck. By 11 I was ready to curl up and die. I still had that meal to go for… which was looking less and less attractive and exciting and like something I wanted to go for. Tried to get some more sleep but it didn’t happen 😦

Anyway we went for the meal around six. I was planning on having the soup of the day but it was watercress and brie and my mum told me I needed to have something bigger. *sighs* In the end I ordered the roasted mediterranean vegetable risotto from the daily specials menu, which was a lot cheesier than I expected. I ate all the vegetables but left a lot of the rice. Especially after I spotted the oil in the dish. My mum and boyfriend both had the gammon and chips and my sister ordered the roasted salmon. We all had half a slice of cheesy garlic bread 🙂 We also had deserts. My sister and mother both had vanilla ice cream with caramel and chocolate, the boy had a chocolate fudge brownie and they somehow convinced me to order the apple and gooseberry crumble. Lesson learned here, don’t order a dish that is more expensive than the rest on the menu no matter what everyone at the table says about “just have it!” because I will be a sharing size dish. Even my mum agreed it was meant for two-three people… I managed about two mouthfuls lol.

I feel like I wasted a lot of food on Saturday but oh well, I’m not going out again for quite a while I hope so I can look after myself. Today I’m not feeling too great (bloated and sick) but I did have a nice meal yesterday so I’m sticking to that. Though I wish my mum would stop saying ‘you’re doing very well’ and ‘you did very well’ as if I was a two year old. Sorry I didn’t get any pictures! No one in my family knows about this blog so getting pictures of my food out and about, or even in general, is a bit of a problem =P

Hope everyone else had a nice weekend 🙂

Katie x

Long Post Is Long

Today I feel pooey, but more on that later. About the challenges I set myself yesterday!

Actually first the clothes and hair.

f'realz how big is my hair? lmao, this is what happens when I don't straighten it!

f'realz how big is my hair? lmao, this is what happens when I don't straighten it!

sorry for the blur. Isn't it cute though? It has ice creams all over it :)

sorry for the blur. Isn't it cute though? It has ice creams all over it 🙂

How stylish am I? 😉 lol only joking, my hair is about ten times the size of my head.

Okay so the salad and gingerbread man were a success. Even though the salad bar had pitifully little in the way of actual salad. I had lettuce, sweetcorn, some ‘greek salad’ that I thought was just cucumbers (which I later found was covered in oil and had a minor freak out over) and some spicy (not half right) chickpeas. Granted I left the bottom bit because the very bottom of the pot was drowning in oil and I just couldn’t handle it. But overall I’m counting it as a success.
My gingerbread man was so cute too. All smiley. It made me sad to eat him, but eat I did.
My mum got a lemon cupcake at the same time and good gosh it was so pretty! I wanted to take a picture but I didn’t think she’d quite understand me whipping out my camera in the car.

Mr Gingerbread and THE SALAD OF DOOOOOMMMMMM! :P

Mr Gingerbread and THE SALAD OF DOOOOOMMMMMM! 😛

omnomnom

I also picked up some of the new Rum and Raisin Bournville chocolate, which is called Old Jamaica. It’s been a very long time since I’ve bought a chocolate bar because I don’t trust myself with them but after umming and ahhhing for ages I decided to go for it. After all it could be limited edition, and if you don’t know yet I love anything Rum & Raisin (the last ice cream I had without a b/p involved was R&R oh so long ago 😦 )

So I was on a positive note until it came to buying pizza. The boy doesn’t like mushrooms and I wanted a veggie pizza… well spinach I’m not so sure on so it had to have mushrooms on. Mum hept telling me to have cheese and tomatao but I really didn’t want it. Cue starting to get worked up. So yes, I went and looked at the calories on the box of every single non-meat pizza in the store. Veggie is still the lowest. But my mum is going ‘here have this’ holding up a box of sainsburys own thin and crispy. I shake my head, getting more agitated by the second, wondering whether this whole thing was a mistake and I should abandon the salad, gingerbread man, pizza et all and just not eat. Then mother dearest picks up a ‘Sainsbury’s Finest Mozzerella’ pizza because they’re on offer. “Get one of these Kate, we can get two and it’ll be cheaper overall”. I come over, look at the box… woaaah, way more calories. And everything on those little traffic light things we Brits have is orange or red ie ‘BAD’ as the government likes to tell us and ED likes to reinforce.
This is where I am totally and utterly ashamed of myself. Not only do I nearly break down in tears in the middle of sainburys but I snap (almost yell) at my mother that ‘No, I don’t want that pizza. We don’#t need two pizzas they’re fatty and disgusting and I just don’t want pizza at all’.
Eurgh, ED makes me such a bitch. Actually, I feel selfish blaming ED, I’M such a bitch.

In the end I text my boyfriend who, being the utterly amazing and wonderful person that he is (not a word of a lie or joke here, believe me he is some kind of saint) agreed to let me get the veggie pizza even though he hates mushrooms and I said I’d pick all the mushrooms off and eat them by myself. Crisis somewhat averted. I apologised to my mother, still very tearful and went to pay. I still didn’t feel like eating my lunch but I did. To be honest after seeing the oil in the bottom of the pot and my lips getting all greasy I nearly threw up *badKatie* but I haven’t. I don’t think I’ll get ‘Greek Salad’ again. It’s not just an ED thing either, even when I was binging I couldn’t stand having greasy fingers/lips/ect. *sighs* Next time the salad bar looks so pitiful (I swear it was a conspiracy, there’s usually tonnes of actual salad stuff there) I’m getting me a fruit salad. Actually I think I’ll do that next week, just another little kick in the teeth to ED. (And despite the panic and chosing the lowest calorie pizza, I still have no idea exactly how many calories were in my lunch!)

When I went over to my boyfriends I took the pizza, Rum&Raisin chocolate and The Unborn and Watchmen DVDs to watch 🙂 I kept putting off putting the pizza in the oven but in the end I did and I’m glad. I ate two slices (1/4 of the pizza!) although I cut them in half and it took me longer to eat my two than it took the boy to eat all the rest of the pizza lol. And he was still hungry! He had a sweet and sour chicken meal afterwards as well!

Tasty. This was before it was cooked and we moved the veggies about a bit.

Tasty. This was before it was cooked and we moved the veggies about a bit.

A few hours later, and half way through the Unborn (which is very jumpy, and kinda scary if you dislike small children like me) I was hungry again and craving some comfort food so we cracked open the Old Jamaica. When they say rum and raisin they aren’t half wrong about the rum part. When I opened it I sniffed it and you could smell it really strongly. I have to say though, Cadburys does not dissapoint. The chocolate was rich and dark and melted in your mouth, the raisins were juicy and yes you could certainly taste the rum. Yummy. I offered the boy some, (well I told him he could have as much as he wanted) which was probably a bad idea because I had four squares and now I only have four squares left out of the bar. Oh well, saves me from binging on it I guess.

Stolen from the interwebs cause we demolished mine!

Stolen from the interwebs 'cause we demolished mine!

Pick this up!

As for the calorie thing… well that was an epic failure. I counted breakfast and the pizza and chocolate and although I couldn’t count exactly how many I had in the salad and gingerbread man, in the end my anxiety got to me and I looked up the gingerbread man and estimated (probably overestimated) the salad. Then I was upset and disgusted in myself, which didn’t do so well. I didn’t sleep great, though I don’t usually sleep too well at the boys house, anyone else do that? I stole his teeshirt to sleep in with my leggings because my dress has an open zip at the back which hurts!

aren't I cool? Should have got a better shot but oh well.

aren't I cool? Should have got a better shot but oh well.

stylish no?

Like I said I feel pooey today. Part of it is psychological, I feel enormous and I know it’s just ED trying to make me feel awful and guilty for eating all the scary bingey food I ate yesterday but it’s hard y’know? Right now I’m avoiding mirrors because whenever I look in them I see myself ten times bigger than I have ever been in my life. I think the boy noticed I was feeling fat as well because I wouldn’t let him touch my stomach at all, whereas usually I’ll grudgingly accept it (even if I do suck in a bit lol). I also feel really sick an nauseous today. I think part of that is my mind because I know I’ve eaten so much but I think some of it might also be down to the fact a lot of it was oily and greasy and sugary food (yeah, bad for me foods). So I’m on bland foods today, a lot of porridge and eggs and toast, just to see if that helps to settle my stomach a little. I don’t think my sister watching America’s Next Top Model is helping either, s’normally fine but right now it’s making me feel so self conscious.

Talking of which:

Porridge with raisins and blackcurrant fruit flakes.

Porridge with raisins and blackcurrant fruit flakes.

And thursdays lunch:

apple, carrot, snack a jacks, rainbow fizzy strips. Usually I have a sammich instead of the carrot & fizzy strips but I ran out of bread :(

apple, carrot, snack a jacks, rainbow fizzy strips. Usually I have a sammich instead of the carrot & fizzy strips but I ran out of bread 😦

Okay, the about me mark two is upcoming still. You guys should give me some questions if you have any!

Hope you’re all having a good weekend!
Katie x