Category Archives: Education

Trying?

If actions spoke louder than words, you’d have made me deaf by now
You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am.

It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to let you go
It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to watch you go

So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)
So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)

It’s so crazy how it’d make my week just to hear them mention your name
Is it so hard to understand how you’ve got me right in the palm of your hand?

Your Way With Words Is Through Silence – A Day To Remember (click)

On Thursday (March 11th) I’m seeing them live with Chris as part of my Christmas present :p. I am so excited it is unreal! If I don’t come out of this gig with bruises I did something wrong though haha.

Anyhoo, aside from the occasional excitement in my life things have been up and down. I was doing alright this week for a while, not as awesome on the self care as I should have been and there were a couple of total freak out moments which were really bad but there were plenty of good moments too. I went to most of my lectures, which is good for me this semester (I’m pretty ashamed how much I’ve let myself slip) and I did all the notes and my lab report and coshh form so I’m up to date on my work for the most part minus notes from Friday. I’ve also been doing better with thoughts and stuff. When I gained a little on Thursday I managed to not freak out and still ate things, I even cooked fish in the kitchen. And I tried to have breakfast on Friday, ended up being brunch at 11 because I overslept but oh well. I still had lunch and eat just at later times.

The appointment went okay. I’m officially going to have my eating disorder services referral go through on Monday, he had to weigh me and measure my height to get my BMI first. I told him I was scared because I was wearing clothes and on my period and I knew it would be heavier than it should but he was really nice about it and let me get weighed backwards so I didn’t see what it was. So that’s that for now. And I am trying to do better with eating, pushing myself but not too hard and yeah, trying. But at the same time I have that little voice in my head saying that if I try and if I start doing a little better then they won’t see me any more because I won’t be ill any more. I know in my heart it’s not true but it makes things hard sometimes y’know?

Friday ended badly. I b/ped really late (11:30-12:00), not 100% sure why. I think being at home and up late did it, weird trigger but oh well. For some reason my tea came up then, that’s a good five-six hours later. It really freaked me out and made me really mad at myself because I was so determined to keep my tea down. I know I shouldn’t have purged at all but eurgh. I’m trying not to let it set me back though, having a small freak out about burgers because I had to get the non-light choice so my sister would eat it but I’m determined to make it through.

Trying to stay positive.

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Rut

I appear to be stuck. I am (not so) suddenly incapable of eating breakfast… this has been going on for a while now and it’s causing all kinds of knock on problems. I’m struggling with getting to late morning lectures because I’m hungry and exhausted and blargh and it’s making labs even harder because as well as being not particularly enthusiastic or happy to be there, I’m hungry and lacking energy. I did try to have breakfast a few times, the breakfast itself was alright, the after-effects not so much. I felt like I’d binged and eaten way too much, which isn’t fact but the emotion was overwhelming, this either lead to me struggling to eat later in the day or just flat out binging. Neither are good. I know there’s a way to work around this but I’m not sure how, I guess I’ll probably just have to do it with a meal plan of sorts and just fight through the emotions. I just don’t want to 😦

In the same vein I keep getting into food ruts. It’s totally disordered but honestly boring. A few weeks ago it was just protein based food, lots of just cold deli meat out of the packet. More recently it was yogurt, and a couple of days of yogurt with fruit. The theme of this week appears to be sandwiches. Don’t get me wrong, sandwiches is a good thing. I went on a low-carb spazz and only recently got carbs back in my diet, now I seem to be overloading… four slices of bread a day can’t be good for me. Wonder what the theme of the week next week will be, maybe I’ll cycle *sigh*. I really need to try and mix it up. It’s just the foods I can prepare (kitchen issues still going strong) and the foods I feel ‘safe’ eating are so limited, even when Chris is here we have the same sorts of things over and over (burger patties, chicken grills, fish pie, fish fingers…). I really really hope my referral is going through.

On side notes:
1. I drink waaaay too much squash. I’ve had like 4-5litre bottles of water (refilled two bottles frequently lol) and about a litre of squash today. It’s a really good thing I do get sugar-free/no-added-sugar/low calorie stuff when I’m having that amount!
2. Did I ever mention that I have a house for next year? If I did sorry for bringing it up again, I’m glad it’s sorted though.
3. Possible bragging ahead… you have been warned.

I got my exam results yesterday:
Introductory Chemistry (main Chem module): 59%.
Quantatative Chemistry (basically GCSE and basic A-Level maths): 84% – I should have done better there, I did the maths A level for chrissakes and got a B. Plus it was multiple choice. *facepalm*
Physics (<3): 61% – I wish I’d done better, but I’m really happy with my mark because it was hard.
Synthesis Labs: 45%
Measurements Labs: 69%
(Labs are ongoing, guess which I like better though? 😉 )
Overall Average: 64% which is a 2:1

I don’t know how to feel. I knew if I’d done brilliantly (over 75-80%) I’d be happy with myself and maybe have more confidence in what I’m doing. If I’d done terribly I’d drop out and start again somewhere less research oriented and more student orientated – somewhere with a higher than 73% student satisfaction (we’re pretty far down the table) and with less lab hours, or at least less consecutive lab hours. I’d probably change degree course to something more physics/physical chemistry based. I like maffs 8) just don’t have a good enough set of grades or understanding to do well on a maths degree.
As it is I’m stuck in limbo, I don’t fully enjoy my course and i know it will get harder and I’ll struggle more. I doubt I put enough effort in as it is, I just don’t have my heart in it. We’re supposed to do 100hrs personal study on top of lectures for each of our modules, this semester that adds up to around 600-700 hours. Gives me about 10hrs of free time a day, if I don’t use any of my weekend (Saturday & Sunday) for university work.

I feel sick. My stomach has been iffy recently to be honest, I don’t know whether it’s something I’m eating (slight dairy intolerance?) or drinking (although it’s been three days since I last had alcohol, which usually does it for me). Also I gave up chocolate and sweets for lent (Chocolate does not cover hot chocolate because tbh I doubt options contains any real cocoa mass, and sweets doesn’t cover toffee ;). I have both rarely anyway, so it’s not a huge overlooking but I suck really). I made the mistake of googling “giving up chocolate for lent” and faced a lot of blog posts with a lot of venom over that, saying it’s a stupid idea and we should give up something proper like meat or dairy. I feel bad now, like I’m not doing lent well enough, but I didn’t want to restrict my already restricted diet any more and well, sweets and chocolate are some of my fre regular indulgences.

Also, this post by Vanilla asked a really interesting question that I said I’d answer here instead of in comments because the list is so long. What foods do I “not like” because the ED won’t let me like them, but really I find them tasty…
1. White pasta and rice – this is more recent after my lowcarb sillyness, but yeah.
2. Potatoes – I love potatoes, but again with the carb thing. They scare me now.
3. Deep pan pizza – this is an iffy one, I do kind of like it a bit (mmm, dough) but I think I do genuinely prefer thin and crispy.
4. Chocolate Cake – never tell anyone about this… I am still adamant I won’t eat it with my family >.>
5. Supernoodles – calories 😦 The buggers are cheap too.

What’s sad is I’m sure I can think of more. Brain is currently fried, several nights of falling asleep late, waking up several times during the night then waking for good around 8-8:30 am (thanks cleaners this morning, I was finally getting good sleep!) has killed me.

Hopefully I’ll update again soonish. I’m going to try for once a month or so 🙂
Muchlove<3

Good Day

Today will be a good day. This weekend will be a good weekend, even if I have to fight every second of the way to make it like that. Today is mine and my boyfriends one year anniversary of dating *blush*. I know it seems like a silly thing to be making a big fuss of (or at least that’s what my mum tells me) especially when people usually celebrate marriage not dating, but just over a year ago I never thought anyone would ask me out ever. I figured I was too fat and ugly and too messed up to be asked out, hell even up until the point he actually asked me I never thought anyone would really be interested in me in more than a ‘quick bit of entertainment while I look for someone better’ kind of way.

A lot has changed since I met Chris. And I mean a lot. I’ve been to the doctors about my eating disorder, more than once. I made an attempt at starting recovery, relapsed and now I’m trying to start again. I have a referral to MH services and the ED services. I’ve become happier, slightly more confident, I can use trains and buses without freaking out too much, I’ve grown up and I have something to live for. I wouldn’t have ever done any of that without him, definitley not any of the recovery stuff. I’m not hinging my life on one person, even though I guess it seems like it sometimes, but this relationship has done amazing things for me and I can’t ignore that either. Those are just some of the few *points* 🙂

In other news:
Manchester hasn’t emailed me back. There hasn’t even been a group e-mail to all students since I sent mine. It’s Thursday so I guess they aren’t doing anything – they’re very focused on fairtrade fortnight though.
I’m still bleh. Days are up and down but I couldn’t say I was doing well. I really don’t care about myself right now. I haven’t changed my top in too many days. Haven’t washed my hair or shaved in too many days. I’ve been missing lectures, which I never thought I’d do. I just don’t care enough about anything really. I’ve been trying to do work though, currently working on an Organic tutorial sheet for tomorrow and I’ve promised myself I’ll turn up to both afternoon lectures today and shower, wash my hair, shave, the works tonight. And I really hope Chris never reads that because I am so disgusted with myself right now.

Hope no one is reading this over a meal or anything, I’m so sorry if I’ve disgusted you with any of this and I don’t blame you if you stop reading altigether, I’m gross. Okay, off to finish working.

Awareness

It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness week this week 😀 is anyone doing anything?

I emailed the student union to tell them and ask if Manchester was doing anything, sadly no reply yet but there’s still time.
Valentines weekend was amazing 🙂 I had a really nice time.
Since then I’ve been a bit down… very down actually, hence my not being here at all really.
I may have a referral to the ED services in Warrington now 🙂 The guy from the MHT said he would try and get it sorted by my next appointment in two weeks (first week of March), so hopefully my referral will at least have been sent by then.

Had a kind of productive day today. Managed to get my lab report done and half tidied my room at least, which is more than usual. Currently chilling and watching meaningless telly 🙂

The Appointment


“The appointment was less terrifying than I thought. The guy was from the mental health team and he seemed really nice. It was just assessment stuff today, I told him about my past and present and he took a lot of notes. He said I have moderate depression, which I don’t believe, I think it’s just that I’m so fat and that makes my life suck. He seemed to focus on my purging, more than my not eating much. Well, I eat too much, but not by government standards. I don’t purge that much though. Maybe it was because I was puffy and bloodshot ect from purging last night. I think it was because he didn’t believe me. I tried to tell him I struggle with more than 500 calories most days and only puke or take laxatives if I’ve eaten too much like when I snap or have to go out for a meal. But I also mentioned that I don’t (generally) purge at someone else’s house or a resturant, that I’d rather just take laxatives or purge when I come home. He brought up excercising and I told him I didn’t really excercise lots, but I do have to be active and I don’t like to just sit around when I’ve eaten or will be eating. Then he asked why I don’t excercise a lot and I felt like a huge failure. Clearly no eating disorder if I don’t over excercise all the time. Then he brought up that I said I don’t eat much but I also said I drink and that alcohol is lots and lots of calories. I told him that I usually puke what I drink, but I don’t think he believes me.
I’m really triggered still. Obviously I’m a failure, I can’t have an eating disorder or anything. I drink calories. I can’t be ill doing that now can I?
I don’t want him to think my main issue is purging or that I’m bulimic. Not that there’s anything bad/wrong with that but I’m not, to call me bulimic would be an insult to bulimics who need help. I don’t purge that often, it isn’t my main issue, I b/p even less frequently. If I stopped purging and stopped binging I would still be hysterical over a sammich made of white bread, I’d still be terrified at a meal out, I’d still freak out when I ate more than 500 or so calories in a day, just I’d probably cut more. That’s what I need/want (half-heartedly) help with, it’s what my boyfriend wants me to get help with. If I could manage more food and bigger meals I probably wouldn’t need to b/p or purge in the first place.

I don’t know. He said he’ll refer me up to the eating disorder services and in the meantime I can have eight sessions with him and he wants to work on my self esteem. Which I think will help. I know Chris will be a lot happier if I like myself more, even if I’m still struggling foodwise I know he’ll like it more if I’m more confident with myself. Like wearing clothes that aren’t huge, and crying less over my appearance and actually getting naked without zoning out/being upset. After the 8 sessions though I guess it’ll be another x months of waiting, but maybe he will help me cope. I hope so.

Friday did not end well. My mum picked me up because my boyfriend wanted to come home to go to a friends birthday party so she picked him up from mine and drove us both back (why yes, I am rediculously spoilt and sheltered ). In the car on the way back he decided he was too tired to go, which was fair enough seeing as he’d only had four hours sleep or so in two days, but then my mum decided that we should go for a meal for my birthday (a week and a bit early). I didn’t want to, I said I didn’t want to, my sister decided because she was hungry we should go out and then when I said no that if we didn’t go out Friday we were going Saturday to which my mum agreed. I managed to get her to go home thinking I could eat and sleep and be okay, I was stupidly triggered and tired and hungry and upset and just wanted to have ham and sleep. Nope, my sister says “we’re going out aren’t we?” mum says yes and we have to go. Long story short(er) we went, I was very unhappy about the whole thing and nearly cried before we got there & when we were there. Being stupidly hungry I ate too much, started feeling bingey, thought I’d be able to purge, but Chris stayed and I couldn’t. I ended up sat in the toilet sobbing because all I wanted to do was uneat everything and I couldn’t. I think I scared Chris with that, he’s never seen me so upset over a meal. Crying a bit yes, but I was sobbing for a good thirty minutes. I think being so triggered in the first place didn’t help.

Today has been… blargh. I’ve felt fat and bloated and sick and disgusting all day. I was meant to go out shopping with my mum to get things for Chris for Valentines day (I’m ordering a year anniversary gift online, idk, too much?) and to get some things for me for my birthday but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be seen out of the house and there was no point clothes shopping when I felt so fat and disgusting.”

copied and pasted from another blog, but my feelings all the same.

As a side note, my exams were meh. I don’t *think* I’ve failed but I highly doubt I’ve done anywhere near as well as I’d like to. But all I need is 40% to get onto next year and if I’ve done that I’ll be okay. I’ll be dissappointed and probably beat myself up over it but I won’t be as devastated as I would be if I failed. They’re over now and I have a few weeks until I need to start revising again, lectures restart next week. Labs I’m not exactly excited about, but some of the inorganic and physical chemistry should be interesting.

Katie x

It LIVES!

I’ve tried writing this once already and lost it. Here’s hoping this one works.

We’re ignoring that I’ve not updated for over a month mkay? 😉 Since that last update things went uphill, then came crashing back down.

I was doing okay, for me. I was eating more, nowhere near the RDA I admit, but it was more. I started using the kitchen a little bit to cook pasta and rice and such. I was eating one ‘scary’ thing a week with my boyfriend there for hugs when I needed them (including half a pepperoni pizza). I was even enjoying my course more. Things were looking up.

Then. Something happened. I’m not sure what, probably a combination of things. Moving on to a topic in Chemistry that I’ve always struggled with and realising I was finding it ten times harder now, stepping on the scales and realising just how much I had put on since starting uni, how much heavier I was than Christmas and how quickly the dreaded day was coming up, and how much I fail at making friends. Anyway, world crashing down. I cut back my intake enormously, cried a lot more, self harmed a lot more (and slightly more severely) than before, drank more – to the point of throwing up every time – and spent weekends at home binging and purging and hardly keeping a mouthful down. In short – utter wreck. I lost almost all of the weight I put on since arriving at uni (minus a binge or two kept down that added pounds) and alienated everyone. I was slightly better in Keele, the rural-ness calms me, in Manchester I get scared when I go out that I’ll be attacked (not entirely impossible when you’re alone in the dark in this area as I often am now Winter is here) and the number of people overwhelms me. I honestly can’t walk down the road without walking past at least one person who looks more than a little underweight most days.

Everything got to it’s worst Friday night. I had a long day, feeling like crap (yeah restriction will do that to you) and having sat through a maths test that made me doubt everything I knew (and if I even knew anything) I came back to my boyfriend telling me that he couldn’t stand seeing me upset over food any more. He couldn’t do our relationship. Cue head: “you are an unloveable monster.” After a long, long, tearful night we are still together (or back together, I’m unsure whether we actually officially broke up) but I’m walking on eggshells. Of course this wasn’t before, fuelled by the realisation that I (and my ED) was managing to destroy the one really good thing in my life, I did some very stupid and very impulsive things that resulted in me waking up at 6:45 the next morning and immediatley throwing up in my bin before passing out again.

Anyway. Back at square one right now, with a long list of things I need to try and do in order to preserve the relationship I have become so embarrasingly dependant on lately and to work towards recovery.

  • I can’t get upset over food (definitley not around the boyfriend anyway).
  • I can’t drink until I puke.
  • I can’t get upset or irritable if we do nothing but lie in bed all day just curled up/sleeping.
  • I have to keep eating scary things.
  • I have to be happy.

In return he agreed to eat lunch between 12 and 3:30 and tea any time after 5 when he’s with me so I have a) some structure, and b) someone to eat with. I struggle with being with someone and being the only one eating. If I have to do that you can be sure I’ll have some kind of breakdown. I still need to go to the counselling service, perhaps after Christmas now I’m in my last week. It’s hard for me to get to them because it either involves talking on the phone (huge stressor for me, I get very panicky with phonecalls) or walking in there (issue because I have problems saying that I’m struggling out loud, too long lieing that I’m fine I guess). But it needs to be done eventually.

Friday night also made me realise that I need to make friends here. My two close friends from home who also attend Manchester were both back in my hometown that night and I had no one else to turn to. I have problems making friends it seems. I’m always so shy and so scared of what everyone with think of me I end up hiding away and not making the first move. I joined three societies, ChemSoc, RAW (the rock society) and the LGBT society. I went to one RockSoc meetup and never went to another society meeting again. I felt awkward and everyone seemed to know each other. Now I’m too scared to go again because it seems too late. I should, maybe I’ll be braver one day.

Anyway, I’m off to chill with a hot cup of tea, my advent calander choccie and the Rob and Jim show from KUBE radio in Keele. If anyone happens to read this between now and 10pm check it out http://www.kuberadio.com/listen/

Adioski guys

Katie x

Weekdays and Bleakdays

Must. Post. More. Often.
heh.

I spent the weekend down at Keele university visiting the boything. I don’t know if anyone has ever been down there but it’s really nice. I didn’t think I’d like campus universitites (the bubble effect) but I’ve decided that acually I kind of do. I know I’d be a lot less scared going to the shop or the union on my own in the evening (especially now it gets dark so early) on a campus university. Maybe I’m a snob and that’s why, but I know my accomodation is quite near Moss Side (apologies if any of you come from there cause I’m about to make some major assumptions here) and a few other “troubled” areas of Manchester. That means a lot of crime, some scary looking people on the streets and generally a nervous Katie. I’m sure a lot of the population of these areas are lovely people, but I’ve had a sheltered upbringing and hearing about shootings, stabbings, muggings ect around this area fairly frequently kind of puts you off.

I do like Manchester (and other city unis) for it’s convienience though. I mean, I have a Tesco Express, Lidl and Superdrug down the road. Although Lidl scares me slightly because I can’t always gets nutritional information on their food and they start scanning the other person through before you’ve even finished packing your bags once you’ve paid. So I’m a bit of a supermarket snob and doing my shopping at Tesco Express (and I’ll do it at Asda once I figure out how the hell to get there). There’s also the academies, which are amazing for gigs and I love going there. We have really cheap student bars everywhere (£2.30 for a double vodka diet coke in my hall bar, it was £3.70 in my boyfriends hall bar!) andthree train stations within walking distance, though I mostly use Manchester Oxford Road and Manchester Picadilly. The town centre is also walking distance. While I’m sure you can walk to Newcastle-Under-Lyme from Keele and they do have a shop on campus, campus unis aren’t as convienient for that.

I had a really good weekend though. Foodwise it was a bit insane. I didn’t take anything with me obviously and the boything isn’t exactly stocked up on ED friendly foods. We had pizza… dominoes meateor, which was gross (and I’ve decided that I maybe didn’t become a vegetarian for the best reasons, so I’ve gone back on that descision a little, although I did picl 90% of the meat off) when is BBQ sauce on pizza a good idea. I only had a couple of slices before I felt really sick and by then ED was screaming at me. To my shame I drank to shut him up. Then the next day we went out with his dad, to wetherspoons, and I have a veggie burger and chips. Which was kind of a success, though I felt crappy the next day. I have been trying to eat slightly better while at uni, but the kitchen issue, stress and having two supermarkets down the road plus a convience store across the road and a greggs and other convience store around the corner have led to some pretty bad cycles of binge, restrict. I guess one bonus of sharing a bathroom is that the fear of being caught has stopped me purging as much as I would have at home or with an en suite.

I’m also considering changing my course. I always thought I really loved lab work… turns out what I loved about lab work in college was how informal and hilarious it was. That was down to both the teachers and the people. If we totally screwed something up or broke a buchner flask, then we laughed and the teacher didn’t care. I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but if it was an experiement that mattered and we got it horribly wrong, the teachers would just tell us to fix up our answers a bit. Even doing coursework we all talked and had a laugh, and if something went wrong someone yelled ‘FUCKING HELL!’ across the classroom and when the teacher came in she laughed at us. We ate in the lab (bad people, dangerous I know) and we had a laugh. In uni it’s very “stop making s much noise, concentrate, if this goes wrong we’ll string you up by the (metaphorical) balls and make you do it again plus you’ll lose marks” whick kinda sucks. I do very much enjoy the physical & inorganic sides to chemistry, things like kinetics, the structure of atoms (though imo that’s more physics) and metallic complexes. That interests me. It’s also only a small part of the course. I have been loving my physics lectures though, but I need to talk to someone fast to say that I’m unhappy if I wish to transfer this year and not be held back.

Has anyone ever changed course by the way? Or changed uni? If you could give me advice or anecdotes that would be awesome 🙂  (I think that was the correct use of anecdotes, I was never brilliant at english).

Also, now I’ve finally gotten around to it, the lovely Jessica gave me this award:

Kreativ Blogger Award!

Kreativ Blogger Award!

Which is the first ever award I’ve ever recieved! 😮
So first… 7 facts about me:

1. I am currently obsessed with cardigans, over summer and spring I wore them almost non-stop. However, in Manchester it’s that cold that I’m currently living in a jumper and my MCR hoodie (much warmer than any of my cardies) and still freezing my ass off.

2. Apparently I talk strangely. No one (even in Warrington) will believe I’m from Warrington becaise I “sound posh”. Considering half my family is from Yorkshire and those are the people I see the most this is strange. I stress the ‘oh’ in no and the ‘ah’ in bath/castle/garage, yet I still say “I’m goin’ t’loo”. =p One day I will record my voice and you can laugh.

3. I have a strange fear of proteins (mostly meats). Most ED’d people are scared of carbs, I’ll eat a tonne of bred but show me a steak and I’ll run a mile. At present the proteins I can handle are: baked beans, wafer thin ham, veggie protein, milk (in coffee/tea) and eggs.

4. I am a caffiene addict. I drink several cups of coffee and tea a day. It’s very bad for me and I think it’s turning my teeth yellow.

5. When someone tried to scare me about my accomodation saying we often got mice, my only reply was “oh cool, I’ll buy a cage and keep it. Can’t be a pet if it’s already there!”. Spiders on the other hand, freak me the hell out.

6. I like accents yet I can hardly understand what people with a strong accent say. I’m sure this makes me come across as some sort of racist because if someone forgeign is talking to me I often struggle to understand what they say, part of it is down to a hearing problem I have anyway, and part of it is just me being dense. At the same time I love to listen to welsh and irish accents, even if I don’t know what they’re saying.

7. I’m a huge geek. I love numbers, 7 is my favourite, I also like palindromic numbers and sequences like 1234, 2468 ect. When I was looking through the course content for the boything’s course the phrase “ooooh, quantum mechanics” actually left my mouth without me realising it! At the same time, I can’t do times tables. I’ve mastered 2, 4 (ish), 5, 9 (ish) and 10. That is the extend of my skills… ><

Now to tag 7 people. I think the people I would tag have all already been tagged. And I’ll have to run if I want to get to my lecture on time, so I’ll come back and do this later. 🙂

Adios Kids!

Katie x