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How Often?

ED team appointment Wednesday. The first thing they want me to do is to try and eat every two hours, it doesn’t matter what I’m eating although preferably ‘meals’ and ‘snacks’ but the focus is on regular eating rather than any form of diet plan. Yet. Obviously the increase ect will come. Right now they’re hoping the regular eating will stop me from b/ping (and as I’m in no way underweight, they don’t need to worry about getting me to gain quick). My intake is a little higher, I’m eating seven times a day after all and even though it’s hard and scary I am trying to make the ‘meals’ bigger than the snacks.

It is only day two. I learned I need to ease up at night yesterday. I felt so stuffed and nauseous when I went to bed last night and woke up still feeling nauseous. The Fluoxetine is helping too.

I hope this is a sign things can get better. I am scared but I want this to work.

ED Team

I know really I have left but I thought, just in case anyone ever checks this still, that I should update for this.

I am now seeing the ED team in my home town. People trained in looking at eating disorders, not just the guy from the mental health services. I had my assesment over the easter holidays, early April time, and my proper treatment/therapy course starts on the 12th May. I get twelve assisted self help sessions probably over 12 or so weeks, working with a therapist to go through a self-help book, and up to three dietician appointments should I so desire – which I do. I am also now on a course of fluoxetine (Prozac) to help stabilise my mood and also hopefully supress any b/ping.

I am glad. I’m not doing great at the moment, slipped again and have been purging several times a week, constant laxative abuse ect ect ect. However I’m trying to be better, trying not to purge, trying to up my intake a little and I really hope this helps. I am positive for the future. Which is nice for a change.

Fading Away

Which is what I seem to be doing in regards to this place. I keep another diary on another site (which I won’t link to in fear of triggering anyone, while it’s not a pro-site – believe me I wouldn’t go there – neither is it 100% recovery) and with university and my outstanding skills in procrastination (I’m meant to be working on a lab report right now) I don’t seem to have the time to keep up with everything. Which means I won’t be posting here as much at all, not that I post often. I will try and read everyone’s blogs even if I lack commenting skills most of the time. I will come back to update when I can, especially if something good happens.

At present I’m struggling ED wise. Self-esteem is better(ish) and my time seeing the mental health team is coming to an end, I tried to bring up body image regards to fatness and eating struggles again this week but he isn’t equipped to deal with that and I know that really. He told me I wasn’t fully grown yet (probably true) and that it was natural to not like myself. *sighs* Oh well, hopefully the ED team is getting a move on. Apparently they called him to ask for my GP so they could organise a blood test, again the “I need to prove I’m ill” thoughts are back but I’m trying to fight them. Being home isn’t hugely helping, the mess and stress of proper meals and no safe food is triggering me. But I have three weeks here now over Easter so I need to work through it.

That means shopping today for some safe items and hopefully no more b/ps for the rest of the holiday. In good news it’s nearly the end of Lent so I can have chocolate again! Although hopefully I can control myself with it. Plus I need to do some work. Two tutorial sheets and a lab report to do…

❤ Katie

Ill :(

Just a quick post. Sorry I’ve not been around, I was super ill.
Throwing up saturday night through sunday and then cripplingly nauseous (as in standing/sitting up = feeling like I was gonna hurl) monday & tuesday with interesting stabbing pains in my chest and stomach and aches all over. Wednesday I was betterish, still a bit nauseous mostly just very achey and by the evening the pain was almost reducing me to tears. Today I am much better and finally got in for lectures. I hate being ill, I handle the throwing up and the pain (to an extent) better than the nausea though. Can’t handle nausea at all.

Today hasn’t been the best of days, its not ED related. Just one of those days. I’ve hardly stopped crying all day, not 100% sure why, weird things are setting me off. Just everything seems overwhealming and hopeless. And annoyingly, it’s not even something I can blame on hormones at the present time ><. My internet was broken all day on my old laptop (the one I know my way around better with all my bookmarks and stuff 😥 ) just when I needed it most, and it’s still iffy I think. I’m on the new one right now. Oh and my personal tutor made a comment that I didn’t like – he was explaining heat capacities using people and the comment “even though Woijech probably weighs half again what Katie weighs”. Not. Happy.

On top of that because I missed another lab session – I tried to go in, nearly threw up on the floor and had to apologise and leave – and it’s so far unauthorised and won’t be until Monday when I can get the lab supervisor to authorise it, and somehow I’ve missed two tutorials I’m in trouble and have to go see the head of undergraduate teaching. I know I missed one tutorial because I was ill (own fault…) but I don’t know when/how I missed the other. I don’t know, I’m really stressed out over it all now and I have no real excuse.  I don’t know what to do. I don’t really want to be here, I’m unhappy. But who’s to say I wouldn’t be more unhappy somewhere else, who’s to say somewhere else would even have me if I got in. I don’t know what to do.

Trying?

If actions spoke louder than words, you’d have made me deaf by now
You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am.

It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to let you go
It’d break my heart, if we fell apart.
It’d be so hard to watch you go

So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)
So let’s not dwell on all those things we should of said
As piece by piece I can pick you up off of my floor (off my floor)

It’s so crazy how it’d make my week just to hear them mention your name
Is it so hard to understand how you’ve got me right in the palm of your hand?

Your Way With Words Is Through Silence – A Day To Remember (click)

On Thursday (March 11th) I’m seeing them live with Chris as part of my Christmas present :p. I am so excited it is unreal! If I don’t come out of this gig with bruises I did something wrong though haha.

Anyhoo, aside from the occasional excitement in my life things have been up and down. I was doing alright this week for a while, not as awesome on the self care as I should have been and there were a couple of total freak out moments which were really bad but there were plenty of good moments too. I went to most of my lectures, which is good for me this semester (I’m pretty ashamed how much I’ve let myself slip) and I did all the notes and my lab report and coshh form so I’m up to date on my work for the most part minus notes from Friday. I’ve also been doing better with thoughts and stuff. When I gained a little on Thursday I managed to not freak out and still ate things, I even cooked fish in the kitchen. And I tried to have breakfast on Friday, ended up being brunch at 11 because I overslept but oh well. I still had lunch and eat just at later times.

The appointment went okay. I’m officially going to have my eating disorder services referral go through on Monday, he had to weigh me and measure my height to get my BMI first. I told him I was scared because I was wearing clothes and on my period and I knew it would be heavier than it should but he was really nice about it and let me get weighed backwards so I didn’t see what it was. So that’s that for now. And I am trying to do better with eating, pushing myself but not too hard and yeah, trying. But at the same time I have that little voice in my head saying that if I try and if I start doing a little better then they won’t see me any more because I won’t be ill any more. I know in my heart it’s not true but it makes things hard sometimes y’know?

Friday ended badly. I b/ped really late (11:30-12:00), not 100% sure why. I think being at home and up late did it, weird trigger but oh well. For some reason my tea came up then, that’s a good five-six hours later. It really freaked me out and made me really mad at myself because I was so determined to keep my tea down. I know I shouldn’t have purged at all but eurgh. I’m trying not to let it set me back though, having a small freak out about burgers because I had to get the non-light choice so my sister would eat it but I’m determined to make it through.

Trying to stay positive.

Stressed

You guys are right, I have a bad habit of stressing out over things when they don’t really require so much stress. My mum says I need to be more calm like her (apparently I get the stress from my dad then… hey, s’long as I have better staying power than him in relationships we’re all gravy. I don’t want to be the woman with three divorces and several children ><). I think the fact I get stressed so easily and worry so much is a big factor in both my eating and my self-harm. I’ve managed to keep the eating fairly under control at present (no binging!).

Sadly things on the stress front don’t seem to be getting much better right now. I have two days left at work and one department that I contacted aaaages ago have only just got back to me with a huge pile of stuff to do (which probably means I should be working on my lunch break, not blogging) so I might be working after work/leaving stuff for them to do. There’s also a (scary 😛 ) meal out tomorrow at lunch for someone leaving the sam day as me to go on maternity leave! I want to say bye, so I am going, but really I wanted to get a salad & bread roll & freddo (I’ve been craving one!) from Sainsbury’s for my last lunch. I really wanted it to be enjoyable and regardless of how good the food is or how nice the people are I’m going to be too anxious to have a really good time. 😦

And, more worryingly, my Grandad is getting sick again. Worse than ever. My grandparents pretty much raised me, especially after my dad left when I was very young. My mum was a working parent and my grandparents and aunt were two of the biggest factors in my life, I grew up fast because I had to be grown up and look after my little sister. My grandad has always been the strong one. I never once saw him sick, never with more than a cold. He was always in the garden, he loves gardening, or fixing something around the house. He made me a stables for my toy horses for my birthday when I was little. A few years ago he got quite sick, we had to sit next to him at the table because he’d just start to faint and we had to catch him. He went to the doctors and was prescribed some pills and he was much better. My mum helped my grandparents move from Luton to just a few streets away from us so we could look after them. For a few years my grandad was healthy and strong again then recently he’s been up and down. Year before last he was in hospital because of his heart and had a pacemaker fitted. At the time he had blood clots and some of the medication they gave him was to stop his blood clotting. Only when he knocked his leg on something (not anything sharp) it made a huge gash which wouldn’t stop bleeding. I was there at the hospital the second time it opened and literally spurted through the dressing. After they sorted that he was fine. And he has been fine for the last couple of years. Then recently he’s gone downhill all of a sudden. He’s too weak and tired to water his plants, he can just about move from his chair in the front room to the bench in the back garden before he is exhausted and has to sit down for a long time. He’s sick all the time, can’t eat properly, and they keep having to call the doctors for home visits. Mum thinks he might have to go back to hospital. I don’t know why I’m typing all this. I guess I’m just scared. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my grandad, I don’t know what my mum or family will do. It’ll be even worse if anything happens while I’m at uni. I know people get old, it’s what my boyfriend keeps telling me, but seeing someone so strong go downhill so <i>fast</i> is just… gutwrenching. 😥

On the flipside I’m taking a leaf from Katie’s and now Jessica’s blogs… a positives list!

– I’m leaving work tomorrow! That means I have two weeks of free time to sort my uni stuff out and see my friends and, very importantly, go shopping.
– I’ve been making some super duper tasty oats (and forgetting to photograph them… where oh wehere has my camera gone?!).
– I’ll be seeing the boything this weekend. Whether he likes it or not.
– Loose Lips by Kimya Dawson just came on my iPod. I ❤ this song, it also reminds me it’s been over a week since I watched Juno!
– Wispa Gold is back! I want one… just gotta convince ED.
– I learnt that smoking a cigarette and trying to run at the same time doesn’t work. When going for stress relief choose one or the other, not both at the same time. Preferably choose running.
– Doctors tomorrow! I am nervous but hopefully I get to change to a different one, rather than Micrgynon 30 (fingers crossed for yasmin). Though I should have started my pill again this morning… ¬.¬ oh well.
– Three words: drunken friday nights. 😉

Oooh there’s an awesome post on Burp and Slurp right now all about pet peeves. Which got me thinking about *my* pet peeves/things that irritate me and while I couldn’t think of many at the time I’ve actually realised I have loads. I feel terrible. Seriously, here’s a list (guess which may be slightly ED influenced):
– People who leave half cigarettes on the floor. It’s a waste!
– When people only eat half of a meal (even though I do this myself? Double standards!)
– Messing up there/their/they’re or your/you’re without good reason!
– Spelling mistakes/typos/wrong words in official or printed works. Like text books and official notices!
– Text speak/tYpInG lYk DiS or Capitalising Every Word You Type. It makes my brain bleed okay?
– When people I don’t know lecture me about how terrible my stretched ears are and ‘don’t you know you’ll have big holes in your ears when you’re old?!’. Believe me, if my biggest problem when I’m old is my ears I’ve done bloody brilliantly in life!
– People who pretend to be someone they’re not/pretend to be my friend when they aren’t.
– Tasteless jokes. My boyfriend tells them, he usually gets slapped!
– (more something that makes me stressed/anxious than a pet peeve) people asking stupid questions about my routine/food or messing up said routine/food.

Sorry

Sorry if my posts kind of fall off the planet for a while. I’ll try and update every so often with pictures and such, and maybe the odd post. But I’m having a bit of a rough patch at present. In the last two weeks I have put on over 1/2 a stone, taking me over the 9 stone limit (one of those numbers that scares the utter shit out of me) and into the realms of 21.something BMI. I know this isn’t unhealthy, I do, but it isn’t something I am capable of dealing with right now. I have a hard time justifying any weight gain as it is because I’m well in healthy range, and when weight has been piling on without me changing my diet or excercise (I am still looking for trainers, so other than a bit of dancing around my room no extra exercise is happening) it’s just utter mindfuck territory. I think it might be pill related, Microgynon 30 is notorious for causing weight gain, and I have a doctors appointment on the 4th to swap pills/contraceptive method if I can.

Like I said, I’ll try and post pictures and life updates when I can, but I feel bad posting much when at the moment I’m in such a bad place. Every time I look in the mirror my mind goes straight back to years ago when everyone hated me. I don’t like to call it bullying because I feel like a sham compared to people who have been beaten up or abused when I call it that, but it sure wasn’t pretty. I keep looking at myself and all I can think of is years spent with only one or two friends while everyone laughed at me, people laughing and calling me names on the playground and in PE, having people ask when I was taking pills for something (I think it was travel sickness) if I’d finally started taking diet pills and saying that I should be when I answered no. There was rarely anything physical, but the mental torture left me kind of a mess. I wanted to kill myself before I even hit high school. I probably didn’t help my own case by spending hours sat in my room at night binging, but the things you do to cope…

See what I mean? I’m being such a downer!
I hate myself when I get like this. Hopefully the sooner I get off the pill the sooner I’ll be happier (and hopefully my weight will settle again). And maybe when I get to uni my posts will be more interesting 😉 hehe

Hope everyone is well
Katie x