Appointment Mark Two

Okay, so appointment first even if it’s the last thing I’ve done. It was, meh. Apparently he hasn’t referred me on to the ED team yet, I’ve been given homework of a “things I did and how much I enjoyed them” diary with what I ate that day stuck on the bottom, and to write down two or three bad thoughts I have about myself, when I had them and what they were. *sighs* The food diary thing is . It’s going to make me more restrictive next week I’m sure, I need to cover this weekend but I’m scared because it’s my birthday and Chris is here and no doubt I will have a little bit of cake and maybe eat more than I would alone. I’m going to write down calorie counts even though he didn’t ask me to, I need him to see what I’m eating because if I say salad with ham and egg me might assume more than the 150 calories it is. Still I don’t know. What if he thinks I’m eating more than enough, especially if I go up to 800 on one day or two or this weekend. It’s honestly scary.
Other than that the session was up and down. He asked me to describe myself and the words I came out with were not good. He focused on two, fat and stupid. He did a scale of stupidity and then said the fact that I might get a Chemistry degree meant I was cleverer than him (no way!) and that if I was stupid what was he. Which upset me, because I don’t think I’m nearly as clever as people think just because I do a science and regardless of discipline all degrees are equal (I’ll agree a degree from Oxford or Cambridge is better than one from say, Birmingham though. Or at least higher looked upon, idk whether it’s really better). And it made me feel like he thought I was calling him stupid, which I really wasn’t and upset me because now I think he must think I’m a horrible person.
Then he looked at fat. He asked about the fattest person I’d ever seen (those people on reality tv 2tonne shows), he didn’t ask about the skinniest just assumed it was models. Then he asked what models weigh, I told him statistically average around 117lbs and said it was just under 8 1/2 stone. Then he asked what I weigh (I said 9 stone, which is a lie) and put me right next to models on the scale! I wanted to argue, it makes no fucking sense, models are like 6ft I’m 5′5. I’m nowhere near them on a scale! Then he said am I two tonnes. No, I feel huge sometimes but I realise I’m not two tonnes. Apparently because I don’t need to be cut out of a house I’m not fat. I wanted to argue but I didn’t have the energy. Logically I can see I am not two tonnes and my BMI is not 45. However I feel fat, I see fat rolls all over me and find it hard to spot people who are bigger than me. But because I don’t think I’m morbidly obese maybe I don’t have a problem. idk.
He asked whether I’d made myself sick, I said I tried to but it didn’t happen. I didn’t mention the laxatives. He talked about the way I sat as well, I slump and hunch and look very sad and scared apparently. I need to sit more with my back straight. And I need to challenge negative thoughts and panic thoughts when I’m in a club or busy shop. I agreed to do that. So I have my homework for the week. Next appointment is the same time next week.

And on a totally unrelated but quite funny note. Some search terms people have found my blog via:
wetherspoons purple rain recipe – Well I can’t say this is wetherspoons’ recipe (I’ve never had purple rain there!) but the basic purple rain recipe is vodka, peach schnapps, blue curaco and lemonade with grenadine poured over the top. It’s the mixture of the blue curaco from the bottom and red grenadine from the top that makes the pretty purple colour (hey, if this whole degree thing doesn’t work out I could so be a bartender!).
shattered face – noooo!
spooning my sister -  o.o, I don’t think that’s totally legal mate.
i smell some chicken up in hurr -  wonderfully random
why wont webcam work on msn at keele? – because Keele intranet is silly. However it’s an awesome university (y)

bowl of porridge	6
chemistry textbooks	5
wetherspoons purple rain recipe	4
ice cream dress	4
katie frank not otherwise specified	4
“not otherwise specified” blog	3
fuck chemistry	3
katiefranknos	3
spooning leads to forking david & goliat	2
old jamaica rum chocolate for sale	2
talking to gp about ednos	2
shattered face	2
halloween pitchers	2
interwebs	2
spooning leads to forking	2
open wardrobe in room	2
fruit flakes	2
physical chemistry textbooks	2
superdrug cherry coke	2
bubur oat dengan buah	2
ednos in college	1
cheese sammich	1
because otherwise	1
green blurry	1
adioski	1
spooning my sister	1
my hair is really thin when i straighten	1
all of the bournville chocolate	1
oatmeal porridge with raisins	1
carrot snacks	1
skittle nails	1
blurry words	1
ednos green	1
bournville chocolate bar	1
katie ednos	1
spooning someone	1
august 6 2009 ednos blog	1
ednos august 6	1
100 calorie meals ednos	1
if not specified otherwise	1
wafer oats	1
activia	1
sainsburys lemon cupcake calories	1
blurry face	1
asda ice cream dress	1
i smell some chicken up in hurr	1
why wont webcam work on msn at keele?	1
calorific used in a sentance	1
овес	1
ready brek porrage

The Appointment

“The appointment was less terrifying than I thought. The guy was from the mental health team and he seemed really nice. It was just assessment stuff today, I told him about my past and present and he took a lot of notes. He said I have moderate depression, which I don’t believe, I think it’s just that I’m so fat and that makes my life suck. He seemed to focus on my purging, more than my not eating much. Well, I eat too much, but not by government standards. I don’t purge that much though. Maybe it was because I was puffy and bloodshot ect from purging last night. I think it was because he didn’t believe me. I tried to tell him I struggle with more than 500 calories most days and only puke or take laxatives if I’ve eaten too much like when I snap or have to go out for a meal. But I also mentioned that I don’t (generally) purge at someone else’s house or a resturant, that I’d rather just take laxatives or purge when I come home. He brought up excercising and I told him I didn’t really excercise lots, but I do have to be active and I don’t like to just sit around when I’ve eaten or will be eating. Then he asked why I don’t excercise a lot and I felt like a huge failure. Clearly no eating disorder if I don’t over excercise all the time. Then he brought up that I said I don’t eat much but I also said I drink and that alcohol is lots and lots of calories. I told him that I usually puke what I drink, but I don’t think he believes me.
I’m really triggered still. Obviously I’m a failure, I can’t have an eating disorder or anything. I drink calories. I can’t be ill doing that now can I?
I don’t want him to think my main issue is purging or that I’m bulimic. Not that there’s anything bad/wrong with that but I’m not, to call me bulimic would be an insult to bulimics who need help. I don’t purge that often, it isn’t my main issue, I b/p even less frequently. If I stopped purging and stopped binging I would still be hysterical over a sammich made of white bread, I’d still be terrified at a meal out, I’d still freak out when I ate more than 500 or so calories in a day, just I’d probably cut more. That’s what I need/want (half-heartedly) help with, it’s what my boyfriend wants me to get help with. If I could manage more food and bigger meals I probably wouldn’t need to b/p or purge in the first place.

I don’t know. He said he’ll refer me up to the eating disorder services and in the meantime I can have eight sessions with him and he wants to work on my self esteem. Which I think will help. I know Chris will be a lot happier if I like myself more, even if I’m still struggling foodwise I know he’ll like it more if I’m more confident with myself. Like wearing clothes that aren’t huge, and crying less over my appearance and actually getting naked without zoning out/being upset. After the 8 sessions though I guess it’ll be another x months of waiting, but maybe he will help me cope. I hope so.

Friday did not end well. My mum picked me up because my boyfriend wanted to come home to go to a friends birthday party so she picked him up from mine and drove us both back (why yes, I am rediculously spoilt and sheltered ). In the car on the way back he decided he was too tired to go, which was fair enough seeing as he’d only had four hours sleep or so in two days, but then my mum decided that we should go for a meal for my birthday (a week and a bit early). I didn’t want to, I said I didn’t want to, my sister decided because she was hungry we should go out and then when I said no that if we didn’t go out Friday we were going Saturday to which my mum agreed. I managed to get her to go home thinking I could eat and sleep and be okay, I was stupidly triggered and tired and hungry and upset and just wanted to have ham and sleep. Nope, my sister says “we’re going out aren’t we?” mum says yes and we have to go. Long story short(er) we went, I was very unhappy about the whole thing and nearly cried before we got there & when we were there. Being stupidly hungry I ate too much, started feeling bingey, thought I’d be able to purge, but Chris stayed and I couldn’t. I ended up sat in the toilet sobbing because all I wanted to do was uneat everything and I couldn’t. I think I scared Chris with that, he’s never seen me so upset over a meal. Crying a bit yes, but I was sobbing for a good thirty minutes. I think being so triggered in the first place didn’t help.

Today has been… blargh. I’ve felt fat and bloated and sick and disgusting all day. I was meant to go out shopping with my mum to get things for Chris for Valentines day (I’m ordering a year anniversary gift online, idk, too much?) and to get some things for me for my birthday but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to be seen out of the house and there was no point clothes shopping when I felt so fat and disgusting.”

copied and pasted from another blog, but my feelings all the same.

As a side note, my exams were meh. I don’t *think* I’ve failed but I highly doubt I’ve done anywhere near as well as I’d like to. But all I need is 40% to get onto next year and if I’ve done that I’ll be okay. I’ll be dissappointed and probably beat myself up over it but I won’t be as devastated as I would be if I failed. They’re over now and I have a few weeks until I need to start revising again, lectures restart next week. Labs I’m not exactly excited about, but some of the inorganic and physical chemistry should be interesting.

Katie x

Repeating Myself

Cross posted from another journal I have. Thankyou for the comments, I am going and I am going to try just… *shrugs* still struggling atm I guess.

Taking a break from revision and hijacking the computer while the boy is at lectures. I’m back down in Keele which is both a good and a bad thing. Good from a revision perspective in that I can’t constantly be distracted by the internet while he’s here and he will make me do work. Bad because he’ll distract me sometimes too. Food wise it’s a bit of the same, I have to eat when I’m with him, which is good & bad. But he’ll stop me binging or eating more than I’m happy with which is good.

Revision is boring though. I need to focus on Organic and a bit of Physical chemistry (manipulating formulae is not a strong point of mine) but with the organic especially because I find it so hard and so dull I get discouraged easily and find it hard to stick with. I think it’s my utter lack of confidence in myself/anything I do coming out again. I start struggling with something, so I get stressed out and upset so I struggle more and the situation escalates. It’s times like that I need to learn to take a breather instead of pushing through.

I’m still struggling with the idea of this appointment on Friday. I talked to the boy about it he tried to reassure me but I guess I won’t totally stop worrying until it’s over. Like exams really.
I say we talked like it all just happened calmly. What actually happened the first time around is I asked if I could come to Keele and just not go home, when he asked why I promptly burst into tears which had to be quickly dried up so we could run for the train.
We did talk calmly later when we were back in Keele, just before we went to bed (we hung about with his flatmates first which calmed me down considerably). I told him some of the things I was scared about, like being turned away and told I’m not ill or I’m a fraud, that I didn’t feel like I deserved the help I was being offered and that by recovering I’d get fat again (I was obese, even my boyfriend has said I was fat) or put on lots of weight. And that they’d tell my mum. He tried to make me feel better, promised that if I was honest with them they would see I was ill and help me. He made me promise to be totally honest, which I will struggle with a lot. I can’t be honest out loud. He told me that I wouldn’t get fat again or put on lots of weight, that’s not the point of recovery – it’s eating healthily. Which I know is true, I’m just scared the COE will come back.
He thinks it would be a good idea to tell my mum, that maybe telling her would make things easier because she might not try to feed me huge things or buy me lots of food when I say I don’t want it ect. Which is true if it goes that way. But I’m worried she’d just get worse for trying to feed me. Plus, I don’t want to worry her. She has enough to worry about with my grandma and grandad, and she’s not well herself. She had to go to hospital the Friday just been and they’ve told her she has very high blood pressure and a racing pulse and they don’t know why. They’e going to run more tests. But it terrifies me, and I don’t want to worry her more in case that makes her worse

I don’t know. There are other things I worry about too, things I didn’t tell the boy. I’m scared they’ll weigh me, the number will be bigger than it should even just from clothes ect, and I’m scared they’ll tell me how high my weight has gone. I’m scared that they’ll do something because of all the overdoses I have taken in the last few years. I don’t know the exact number, but it’s more than a couple. I’m scared it could affect me getting a job. All I want is a job and a house and a life with the boy, we were talking about our house if we won the lottery (euromillions! ) and that’s why I’m giving this a shot. I’m doing this mostly for him, so I can be healthy for him, to make him happy. He said I should show them my scars, arms and belly. Not showing my legs. The belly would be a struggle though. It repulses me.

Ironically the chance of getting help is making me mentally worse. I’m eating, choking food down sometimes, because I’m with the boy and he is making sure that I do eat. Which is a mindfuck in itself because I’m scared I’m gaining weight before this appointment when I’m away from my scales and all I wanted to do was lose. Every meal is a struggle, even safe foods are hard right now. I can pick something I feel is safe for tea on the morning shop but by teatime I regret it immensely and really struggle when there is no reason to. I don’t tell the boy I’m struggling because then he will feel bad because he helped me pick the food and he’ll think it’s his fault when it isn’t, my head is just in a bad place right now. Hell, I’m even struggling to drink. Well non-alcoholic fluids mostly, although I freaked out over cocktails which is reasonable as they’re calorie packed but not something I have ever done before in my life (especially ones w/non fruit juice mixers). I haven’t had a drink yet all day, I’ll be getting some water from my food but this is so bad for me. Normally I’ll aim to drink 2L or more of water a day, usually within an afternoon, but right now I’m too scared because I feel like it’ll make me bloat and balloon and gain hundreds of pounds. idk, it makes no sense, but I guess that’s the point.
My eye is a lot better now, most of the blood is gone. It’s probably a good thing, but I’m kind of sad because I felt if my eye was still explody I could have something to show, some proof that I was struggling when I go.

I guess after what’s happened I just stop complaining and just suck it up. I should be thilled I have a chance at something like this, I am honestly, I was beginning to lose hope they’d ever get my referral through. But at the same time I’m scared and I need to vent. I really hope I don’t upset or annoy anyone, I know this is all trivial in the grand scheme of things. I’m sorry

hah, all this stressing and I’ll get there and it will just all be about my blood test results
That would be the story of my life.

Bad Habits

Gingerbread Mouse. Stolen from http://epicute.com/

Not posting for a month or more is getting to be a bad habit of mine.

To be fair, very little has changed since the 28th December. I’ve actually done some revision (my Astrophysics exam was yesterday, it went alright though I cocked up a few high mark questions) and I’m doing some more for Chemistry on the 29th. Eating has been less than stellar, but I guess that will change soon. I developed somewhat of a fear of carbs, a complete switcharoo from my previous fear of proteins. *facepalm*

A girl on one of the message boards I frequent died the other day
I didn’t know her well personally, but I had seen her around and followed a lot of her posts. She was such a vibrant and lovely person, but everyone was watching her slide downhill rapidly after her last IP admission. It was horrible to watch and although the news is truly devastating I just hope that she is in a better place now and finally free from the hell of her eating disorder. It’s a horrible painful reminder of what this disease can do.

Which kind of brings me on to my next point.
My referral finally came through I think. Well unless they found something awful in my bloods after my last blood test (OD) and only just got around to telling me. My mum called me the other day to say that she’d recieved a letter from Penketh Clinic saying that my GP had made an appointment for me and this would be at 9:30 Friday 29th. It’s 45minutes so although I have an exam that day at 2pm, I’m going to have to go.
I feel really mixed about the whole thing, especially with recent events. I mean, I do not want to die (most of the time anyway) and my boyfriend tells me how worried he gets that I’m going to be really ill or die. But at the same time I am not that ill, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I know there are people who aren’t getting help and haven’t been offered help that are so much iller than me. People with a BMI of 9 who are throwing up chunks of their insides from purging hundreds of times a day aren’t getting help and yet I am. I feel so guilty over the whole thing, they need it more than me. I mean, I’ve put on weight since I was referred (stupid BC) and I don’t purge as much now I’ve left home (too scared of being caught at uni). I’m not on deaths door.
My place could go to someone who needs it more. Hell it should go to someone who needs it more. But at the same time subconsciously I think I want that help. I think that because I’m scared that I’ll turn up and they’ll just tell me that I’m perfectly fine and just being silly and I should eat more/not throw up/use laxatives. Or they’ll laugh at me and say I’m too fat to have a real eating disorder.

I don’t know. I’m so mixed up over the whole thing.
I guess I’m torn because of other things happening as well. I’m still slightly fuming from yesterday.
My boyfriend told me that when he ‘dumped’ me he wasn’t actually dumping me. Just trying to give me a kick up the backside. Considering the fact that I was a total emotional wreck before that and he was one of the few things keeping me attatched to the world, it was a pretty bad way of ‘kicking me up the ass’. I’d have rather he yelled or even hit me, because that nearly killed me. And since then I lived in fear of something something wrong that would make him dump me again. I am rediculously dependant one one peron right now, and I know it is stupid and I need to move forwards and get a grip but damnit I suck.

Big strong person I am ey?

Sorry, ranting a bit. I’m going to leave now before my head explodes, and do some revision.
Loves <3

Edit: I have a formspring.me account!

<a href=”http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank” mce_href=”http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank”>http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank</a>

or http://www.formspring.me/KatieFrank if that doesn’t work.

Aftermath

Those freaky looking plants up there are Triffids Kind of fitting as I’m sat here watching the BBC remake of Day of the Triffids whilst I’m typing. I have to say it’s very good.

Christmas was… Christmas. I managed to not purge and ate more than I was 100% comfortable with so I didn’t restrict, but there was some unfortunate laxative usage. *cringe* Unpleasant to say the least.

Christmas at my Grandma’s is fairly samey year in – year out, although we made some slight changes this year in that my sister and I opened our presents at the same time as the adults (we usually open then first). I’m not going to list everything I got (I feel like a spoilt brat and hate myself because people spend money on me), just mention the main things. My family – the adults – got me a new phone (Samsung F400) and a George Foreman grill for next year when I have my own house. My little sister got me Michael Mackintyre and Jimmy Carr stand up DVDs and my boyfriend got me a caffiene molecule tee shirt and tickets for us both to see A Day To Remember.

It’s strange, my sister loves receiving gifts from people. The more expensive and the more of them the better. I feel like shit if my mum gets me more than a card and a gift voucher. I hate people spending money on me, but I’d be more than happy to spend a fortune on others if I could. Blah. Sorry if I made anyone feel bad mentioning what I received, I can delete that whole paragraph. I just wanted to kind of, give thanks to my family. :\ Does that make sense?

The aftermath of Christmas has been less than pretty. I’ve been attempting to restrict, then unable to sleep and binging in the middle of the night because there’s so much food and I’m scared of it. Somewhere something in my mind says “it’s safer and better to just eat it all now, binge and purge and then it’s gone” and sometimes when I’m lonely and hungry and sad I don’t care to fight it. I know I should, I pretty much always manage to fight the purging (haven’t since before the 25th) but the binging… urgh. It’s making me feel so much worse than usual. Time seems to drag too. I feel like it’s been weeks since I updated, since I came home. It’s been only a few days. I hate it. I’m going crazy cooped up in the house, it’s hard to go out because the road and path are both totally solid ice still. I want to smoke, but being caught smoking or smelling of it by my mum is more trouble than it’s worth.

I need to start revising. I just don’t want to. It stresses me out and I have no way of finding out if my answers are right or wrong with no markscheme and no way of getting my answers to my tutor. Physics I am entirely on my own whether I could be in uni or not.

So much for a happy holiday
Hope everyone else is doing better than I am

Katie x

Quick Christmas Update

It’s past midnight and officially Christmas Eve. I should be in bed but oh well.

Christmas is a struggle for me at present. Lots of food, lots of stress and nowhere to escape it’s leading me to binging (and occasionally purging, although less than usual). Which is, in turn, making me even more stressed because I’m terrified I;m not going to fit into my dress. I know I’m dissappointing my mum because she isn’t seeing everything else I’m eating, just the small ’safe’ foods I’m having instead of proper lunches and teas. I feel horrible about it, but at the same time I’m freaking out. I hope after the day (tomorrow) everything will calm down and I won’t be as stressed. Hopefully I can get through Christmas day without a disaster and hopefully once things are settled I can see my boyfriend more. He’s a calming and settling influence on me and my eating .

Talking of the boyfriend, today I nearly killed him. We were watching Hollyoaks and Hannah (triggering much?) because my sister wanted it on. After wards I asked why he was glaring at me the whole way though, stupid move. The conversation went:
Me: “Why were you glaring at me?”
Him: “Hannah.”
Me: “You’re glaring at me because Hannah in Hollyoaks has an eating disorder?” (stupid move. stupid, stupid)
Him: “No. Because you have an eating disorder.”
Me: “… *glare*”

I don’t think my sister heard. I really hope to god that she didn’t. I don’t want to find out what might happen if she did.

Katie x

It LIVES!

I’ve tried writing this once already and lost it. Here’s hoping this one works.

We’re ignoring that I’ve not updated for over a month mkay? Since that last update things went uphill, then came crashing back down.

I was doing okay, for me. I was eating more, nowhere near the RDA I admit, but it was more. I started using the kitchen a little bit to cook pasta and rice and such. I was eating one ’scary’ thing a week with my boyfriend there for hugs when I needed them (including half a pepperoni pizza). I was even enjoying my course more. Things were looking up.

Then. Something happened. I’m not sure what, probably a combination of things. Moving on to a topic in Chemistry that I’ve always struggled with and realising I was finding it ten times harder now, stepping on the scales and realising just how much I had put on since starting uni, how much heavier I was than Christmas and how quickly the dreaded day was coming up, and how much I fail at making friends. Anyway, world crashing down. I cut back my intake enormously, cried a lot more, self harmed a lot more (and slightly more severely) than before, drank more – to the point of throwing up every time – and spent weekends at home binging and purging and hardly keeping a mouthful down. In short – utter wreck. I lost almost all of the weight I put on since arriving at uni (minus a binge or two kept down that added pounds) and alienated everyone. I was slightly better in Keele, the rural-ness calms me, in Manchester I get scared when I go out that I’ll be attacked (not entirely impossible when you’re alone in the dark in this area as I often am now Winter is here) and the number of people overwhelms me. I honestly can’t walk down the road without walking past at least one person who looks more than a little underweight most days.

Everything got to it’s worst Friday night. I had a long day, feeling like crap (yeah restriction will do that to you) and having sat through a maths test that made me doubt everything I knew (and if I even knew anything) I came back to my boyfriend telling me that he couldn’t stand seeing me upset over food any more. He couldn’t do our relationship. Cue head: “you are an unloveable monster.” After a long, long, tearful night we are still together (or back together, I’m unsure whether we actually officially broke up) but I’m walking on eggshells. Of course this wasn’t before, fuelled by the realisation that I (and my ED) was managing to destroy the one really good thing in my life, I did some very stupid and very impulsive things that resulted in me waking up at 6:45 the next morning and immediatley throwing up in my bin before passing out again.

Anyway. Back at square one right now, with a long list of things I need to try and do in order to preserve the relationship I have become so embarrasingly dependant on lately and to work towards recovery.

• I can’t get upset over food (definitley not around the boyfriend anyway).
• I can’t drink until I puke.
• I can’t get upset or irritable if we do nothing but lie in bed all day just curled up/sleeping.
• I have to keep eating scary things.
• I have to be happy.

In return he agreed to eat lunch between 12 and 3:30 and tea any time after 5 when he’s with me so I have a) some structure, and b) someone to eat with. I struggle with being with someone and being the only one eating. If I have to do that you can be sure I’ll have some kind of breakdown. I still need to go to the counselling service, perhaps after Christmas now I’m in my last week. It’s hard for me to get to them because it either involves talking on the phone (huge stressor for me, I get very panicky with phonecalls) or walking in there (issue because I have problems saying that I’m struggling out loud, too long lieing that I’m fine I guess). But it needs to be done eventually.

Friday night also made me realise that I need to make friends here. My two close friends from home who also attend Manchester were both back in my hometown that night and I had no one else to turn to. I have problems making friends it seems. I’m always so shy and so scared of what everyone with think of me I end up hiding away and not making the first move. I joined three societies, ChemSoc, RAW (the rock society) and the LGBT society. I went to one RockSoc meetup and never went to another society meeting again. I felt awkward and everyone seemed to know each other. Now I’m too scared to go again because it seems too late. I should, maybe I’ll be braver one day.

Anyway, I’m off to chill with a hot cup of tea, my advent calander choccie and the Rob and Jim show from KUBE radio in Keele. If anyone happens to read this between now and 10pm check it out http://www.kuberadio.com/listen/

Adioski guys

Katie x

Halloween

A belated update
Okay so, going home over Halloween weekend (Saturday -> Sunday) was a bad bad idea. I don’t want to go into it, I’ve tired to put the experience behind me, but let’s just say halloween sweets, mum trying to  ‘feed me up’ and being left alone in the house for a couple of hours did not do me any good ><

Regardless I had an amazing time on the Friday night! This is when our hall bar at the university had their Halloween bash and although I didn’t stay for very long, only a few hours, due to teh boy’s boredom and having our tables stolen every time we went to the bar thus nowhere to put drinks, a good time was had.

I was a pirate The makeup was my favourite part… now, onto a lovely photographical adventure

The boy snuck into the background there, aint he cute?

My costume

The boy clearly put a great deal of effort into getting dressed up too 8)

The Grovel (our bar) was well populated for once (it's really quiet in there, why I like it).

And the cheap drinks were taken full advantage of - I am a student after all! Pictured: Tequila Sunrise & Blue Hawaiian pitchers and a very rude boyfriend. We also had a tasty Purple Rain pitcher

Oh yes. I am a secret lover of £5 cocktail pitchers. I’ve sampled nearly every one they have on offer, well 5/6. Blue Hawaiian, Tequila Sunrise, Purple Rain and Sex on the Beach were all delicious. Long Island Iced Tea was not. Though the boy liked it a lot.

I have emailed my personal tutor. I am still awaiting a reply and praying he doesn’t mention it in tutorial tomorrow ><. Until then I need to get on with my tutorial work to hand in on Friday. Hope everyone had a smashing Halloween and is having a wonderful week so far. I’ll be reading blogs this evening.

Katie x

A Kick Up The Ass

but a much needed one

 

Thank you so, so much guys for your honesty and compassion in your comments. I needed it. Much more than I need a hug or ‘it’ll all be okay’ sometimes I just need a boot up the ass and I’m glad you’re here to provide it to me. Though if I’m honest when I first read them there was a bit of ‘that can’t be true’ floating round my mind, but re-reading shut it up. Between your honest comments and yet another night spent curled up sobbing on my boyfriend because I managed to ruin something else we tried to do together because of food & restaurant related issues I’m going to try to pull myself back together.

I’ve written a budget with a set limit to spend on food, I’m hoping it’ll stop me binging though I know I’ll have to be careful how I spend it so I don’t end up running out of food and money before the end of the week. Budgeting has made me realise how tight money could be though, especially when I can end up spending ~£16 on train tickets on weeks I visit the boy even with a railcard. But at present as long as I manage to stop binging I’ll be happier, binging brings back so so many bad memories. Too many for me to cope with. Plus the associated effects (mostly weight and money related) are sending me crazy(ier).

I’m thinking of looking into the counselling service here. I went looking for the building, but when I went to where it was supposed to be according to the campus map I couldn’t see it. Maybe I was looking in the wrong place? I’m not sure how well equipped they are to handle eating disorders really, but honestly it’s still a maybe as far as seeing them goes. I still have a lot of trouble talking about this stuff in real life, even to people who know. And I’m wary of counsellors anyway. :\   I might e-mail my personal tutor and ask about it, what do you guys think? I’ve only seen him maybe 3-4 times in my life so it still seems strange.

I’ve been having more bad days than good recently. With everything. Dragging myself out of bed is harder, doing work and understanding lectures is harder. I’m crying more than I have in months, and in front of people too (I don’t cry in front of people, ever). I’ve spent countless hours staring into mirrors and picking apart every bit of my face and body, x is too big, y is too small. Food is… well you know. As daunting and frankly terrifying as it all still seems right now, I guess I can’t live like this. It’s destroying me inside and out.
Being dependant on others, as I know I will be if I start trying to recover again, might make me feel weak and needy but it has to be better than this.

Thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart, for putting up with me.

Katie x

Liquid Calories & Whiney Posts

A long time ago… I last updated lol.
Nawh, I know a while ago I made a post of fear foods. Now some of those wee kind borderline fear foods, I will eat things like white bread if there isn’t wholegrain readily available. I’ve even eaten a few fried and greasy things since starting uni. Some in binges, some on days where I was just to upset and exhausted to care. However the biggest problem for me is liquid calories (vodka aside) and this is something I only realised recently. I always thought that because I could drink alcohol, other calorific drinks weren’t a huge issue. Oh how wrong I was.

Sadly it took sitting with my poor long-suffering (8 months today) boyfriend in a train station in tears because I hadn’t known what I was ordering from Starbucks and shortly after discovered my drink contained more calories than one of my average meals for me to realise this. (yes, long sentance is long).

I know why I can handle vodka/alcohol (and I won’t mention it for fear of triggering) but I never thought a simple coffee would send me into tears. I’ve eaten pizza (greasy dominoes even!) and odd resturant meals full of greasy cheese without tears. I berate myself afterwards, but never tears. It was horrible but it’s really made me think.

Since starting uni I’ve taken a pretty big slide backwards (I don’t want to call it a relapse because I feel like I was never really ill), however you look at it. I’m back in a very bad cycle of binging (and some restiction) and self harm which seems to be making me more of a bitch than I already was. I think I’ve yelled at my boyfriend more in the past couple of weeks than I have in eight months (which has lead to a whole other series of thoughts that I don’t feel safe going into right now). It’s taking a toll on everything I do, and badly affecting my mood and therefore work and relationships.

I don’t want to be this person any more. I don’t want to be the gil who sits and cries in train stations because of a stupid coffee. I don’t want to be the one person who neve goes in the kitchen yet spends hours in the shops reading every packet only to return with two things. I don’t want to spend my evenings either drinking in the bar to cope with how awful I feel 24/7 or stuffing my face and praying my flatmates go out soon so I can stick my head over a toilet. But most of all I’m sick of being such a horrible person. I don’t like what I am doing to my boyfriend, I don’t like seeing him upset because he doesn’t know whether to try and get me to eat more or stop me getting something to eat because I’ll only be upset with myself later. I hate myself so much for yelling at him and getting angy when nothing is his fault.
I am so so scared this will push him away.

But here’s the clincher. I am too scared to let go of my ‘eating disorder’. I am too scared of gowing out of my clothes, going back to the place where I couldn’t buy nice clothes from anywhere because I was too big. Of being the biggest person in the room and the laughing stock and target victim again. I don’t know how to eat properly, I have no role models for normal portion sizes or healthy cooking. My boyfriend and my family both eat large amounts, my friends have neve mentioned this again after I told them and it was too hard to bring up the first time around for me to do it again. I like the contol that I used to have, binging makes me a worse person and restricting makes me just as anti-social but nicer. That is all I can think right now. So I’m clinging to my disorder but sick of it at the same time.

I don’t know. I’ve given up hope on the PCMHT, they were meant to contact me in late July – early August. They didn’t. So when I went back in mid August the doctor said she’d push it through and I might just be on the list for the clinic starting early October and I should definitley hear by then. It’s nearly November and nothing. I did doubt they’d take me as I moved, but just confirmation that they won’t would be nice. I still haven’t registered with a GP here on the off chance that they would have me so long as I was within the Warrington GP system. I am too stubborn and scared to go back to a new GP or to try the uni counselling service. Too many bad experiences… so I guess I’m on my own until I either recover or end up so ill the uni cart me off themselves. :\

You know the drill by now, I whine, I apologise, all is well.
I know some people have been struggling as well and I feel bad. I’ve been reading blogs but when it comes to commenting I lack the energy, time and inspiration to write anything substantial and sometimes *hugs* just doesn’t cut it. So I’m sorry, please know that I’m reading even if I’m not commenting. I do love you all <3

Adioski kids.
Katie x